The Bright Light of the Faithful

In many different areas of my life, I've come across Christians from all walks of life that have all had one thing in common. I could feel the Spirit radiating form their hearts. Their love for Christ was so evident, so strong that it created a magnetic force within them attracting me to them. They were and are a light shining on a hill made for all to see and follow. We are all created to be lights both bright and beautiful that shine for all to see. I wish to share a few examples of strong witness among the Faithful.

The idea for this post came about when I was distributing the Holy Eucharist to the Faithful one early morning. I absolutely adore being an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist and have always seen the immediate results of my giving Christ in the Flesh to my fellow Catholic Christians, but on this day I noticed something that I hadn't in a very long time. Christ made me aware of the reactions, the faces, the overall responses of those receiving Christ in the Eucharist. I witnessed such genuine smiles and actions that went far beyond just "Going through the motions Catholicism." Upon receiving Christ, I heard one young woman proclaim a very strong AMEN! and I witnessed this person marking herself with the sign of the cross with such passion and understanding of what just took place. She received within herself the very Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ, and marked herself with the Great Sign of His love and protection. She knew what was happening, accepted it, and fully embraced it, and I was well aware of that. 

Several years ago, I served as a Master of Ceremonies, basically a lead alter server with a fancier robe. It was the Good Friday Prayer Service and we were instructed to bring a large crucifix before the alter and hold it as the Faithful came up to worship Christ through venerating His image on the cross. This was actually my first experience attending this service. Each person would either touch or kiss the cross or image of Christ. There were others who would also bow and make the Sign of the Cross before it. I remember seeing young children smiling as they would come up to kiss the hand of the image of Christ and then walk away holding their parent's hand proclaiming proudly how they kissed Jesus. What stood out most of me were the Faithful who truly took in the moment as seen on their expression on their face. They recognized that Our Chris died on a cross, so that we might live and live more abundantly than we could ever have imagined. Each person I came across in those moments accepted this truth and embraced it and I was well aware of that.


About two or three years ago, I came across Catholic Underground for the first time. A truly wonderful experience of Eucharistic Adoration accompanied by Evening Prayer and music. I fell in love from my first experience with this form of worship. Christ before us, there to be worshiped and adored. One of my favorite parts of Catholic Underground is that we have the opportunity to kneel or sit directly before Christ in the Eucharist. It always reminds me of art depicting the apostles laying or sitting close to the Lord as He preached to them. There was one night, in which a lot of the younger worshipers came up and sat before the Lord. One young woman in particular knelt directly in front of the Lord and was worshiping hands out singing loudly. We were singing Oceans by Hillsong United. As we were still singing, she stopped and spoke loudly enough for me to hear, "Lord, I am yours, I am yours," proclaiming it as she gestured from her heart out to Him, signifying that her whole self belonged to Christ and to Christ alone. We all belong to Christ which cries out the truth that nothing in this world can touch us because we are His. She knew what was happening, accepted it, and fully embraced it, and I was well aware of that.

Each of these stories shows Christians devoted to Christ and though they were most likely unaware that others were watching, others were indeed watching. I certainty was and their Faith inspired me and my Faith. I think we don't always recognize the impact we have upon others just by being ourselves and worshiping God. I struggle with this a lot. Those Christians did not purposefully try to act Holy, so that others might see, they just were. Their Faith shown brightly just because they have made a decision to follow Christ and live as Christ would have them live. It's been said many times before, there is no greater adventure than to live a life devoted to Christ. When we take that walk, there is this light within us that shines brighter than any other.

Lately, I've taken a step back from a lot due to a great many stresses in my life, but I hope to write more often again. I've felt this calling deep in my heart to speak of Christ to others and with others as they express there own walks. If anyone ever wishes to discuss Faith, please feel free to email me at mmichael92@aol.com or message me through Facebook. 

I'd also like to take a moment to post a link to a Youtube video created by a close friend and Godfather to my son. In his video, Adam talks about his conversion story to the Catholic Faith. It's an amazing video/story and I encourage you to take the time to check it out. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVeY_FRO4gw&fbclid=IwAR3pi5oSCbGczVztmClGM-XqGQCBa15G2B-wuXVdfk-ZcFcxIuySsDAqUTc

"Heavenly Father, Thank you for giving us this great community of the Faithful to worship and glorify You together. Please help all of us to live out our lives and faith lives as true examples, with passion and understanding knowing that with our worship we acknowledge that you are God, that You love us, and that we live because of You. Amen!" 

My Love Letter to God: Why I'm Catholic

Part 1: How the Church Raised Me

Since I was young, when someone would compliment my mom on how good of a job she did raising me, she would always give the same response baffling the questioner, "I didn't raise him. He raised himself." I believe there are two meanings behind this response. Firstly, my mom believes that ultimately, you are who you are. It's the great nature vs. nurture debate. She believes that no matter what you go through in life and no matter what you are taught, you will respond based on what is in your heart and soul. You are created a certain way, so you will always be you. I believe that there is some truth to my mother's belief in that, but there is a little more.

My parents did an amazing job of teaching me about having a strong work ethic, about not expecting things to be served to you on a silver platter, and about giving all you have until it hurts and then giving a little more. My parents also gave me a wonderful home to grow up in, meals to eat every night, and love that was unconditional, but they also gave me something else, something unexpected, something that I chose based on something that never existed, something that changed who I would later become. As I said before, my parents always taught me to know God but because they traveled so often, going to church was not part of the normal routine until I got older, and then, I couldn't imagine my life without it. God, I believe used His Church to form me as He knew I was meant to become. They say it takes a village to raise a child. For me, it took a Church.

When I was in first grade in the Berlin Elementary School system, there was a child with whom I did not get along. It was the first time I was taken advantage of in my life and I knew I didn't want to go back to that school. I told my parents that I wanted to go somewhere else and we began looking. I'm told the story goes, I went to my parents after watching a commercial on television, a commercial for St. Paul's Catholic Elementary School. We were Catholic but did not practice much due to the business, but my parents knew this would be good for me and would be a great solution to the situation, so they joined St. Paul's and enrolled me in the school. The crazy part was, however, that there was no commercial for the school at that time. God wanted me to be there.

My greatest lessons at St. Paul's revolved around Faith and the love of an eternal God. From the beginning, Jesus was my best friend and I looked up to Him as a child would a super hero. The Man who laid down His life for His friends. I couldn't imagine a greater example to follow. There were several critical moments that remained with me and these are just some of them:

I struggled to be away from my mother. Ever the little Italian mamma's boy, I felt great anxiety when I was away from her and it got to the point that it interfered with my functioning at school. Thankfully, there was an incredible nun at St. Paul's who acted as the school's guidance counselor. She introduced me to Mary, the mother of our Lord and showed me that Jesus gave His own mother to us, so that she can bring us back to Him as any good mother would. She gave me a Miraculous Medal of Mary that remained around my neck until the day I left the school. 

It was the perfect sign for me that I wasn't alone. God was with me, and the entire family of Heaven was with me. This was also my introduction to the Saints. I saw them as guides and mentors that had been through it before and had turned to God in life and had been transformed because of Him. They were there to pray for me as my brother and sister Christians. Sister Ellen was a great mentor for me and helped me through a lot of my anxiety for several years. She and others also helped initiate several school activities that I remember fondly. The first was peacemaker of the month and the other was the chain of good deeds. Every time you saw someone doing a good deed, you would write down their name on a peace of paper that would be added to the chain that ended up lining the whole school by the end of the year. 

My favorite part of each day (outside of lunch of course) was when we would pray in the mornings and during special occasions through the day. Once a month we would attend mass, and the church would be packed with kids all there to embrace God. I came to know all of St. Paul's priests and staff. They seemed so full of joy and peace and love. I remember one priest spoke to us saying that there was one thing that truly moved His heart toward the priesthood. It was the joy of the gospel he saw on the faces of the priests he knew that helped him see that the Catholic Faith was meant to be about joy and love, not about rules and sorrow.

As I grew older, I saw how the religion classes went deeper into our Faith. Every teacher taught us something new about God and his relationship with us, but there was one teacher whose lessons stuck with me more than any other. A sample assignment from his classroom read, make sure you go to church on Sunday and give Jesus a great big hug. He would also assign us Bible homework as a way of helping us know and understand the scriptures. What stuck out most for me was his passion for God and His Church. He would come to us with great glee when he would talk out each lesson, something I admired and hope to emulate in my every day discussions with others about God. Ask my wife, I still quote him to this day. We also had a passion play in which I played Christ. It was an amazing experience and helped me to focus on Christ's sacrifice and what it truly meant.

All of the previously mentioned lessons and more helped me to determine how I wanted to live my life and what or who I wanted to be at the center of everything in my life, but the school itself only served as the foundation for what would come. When I turned 14, I was home schooled because my parents would travel for business, and I would go with them. From that point on, I didn't let go of the faith I new from my childhood, and I wanted so desperately to go deeper. Then at 18, I returned to the church that raised me and allowed God to transform me. Being able to bring myself to church was the primary drive (no pun intended) to get my license. I had begun attending mass weekly but I also felt an urge to go daily. This was confirmed by our priest during confession one day. I'll get more into Confession in part 2. I was about to enter the church one day, and I heard voices. I was scared off thinking I must have the wrong time. I wasn't going to come back but that urge persisted and I returned. I remember looking through the window at 7:00 in the morning wondering should I go in. I again said no and began to walk away until I heard laughter coming from nowhere and everywhere. For some reason, it gave me the motivation to return to the church, open the door, and experience Christ in a new way at the Daily Mass. I attended nearly every day, not wanting to miss one. I knew that God was touching my heart and I stayed a devoted Catholic knowing that it was in that Church where I encountered my God. This leads me into part 2, but first a disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I've been wanting for awhile to make this post but I've been waiting until it felt right. I believe that all people are beloved children of God, and people of all Faiths deserve respect. In the second part that follows, I will go into my beliefs and describe what they are, why I believe them, and how they've impacted me. I deeply respect everyone from all Faiths and love hearing from them about what they believe and why. I'm often afraid to do the same for fear of offending others or coming across as an advertisement or as defensive of my own beliefs but in reality, I feel it's important regardless to tell the entire story of how God comes to me, including how He comes to me through the teachings of the Catholic Church, where I find His most Divine Presence.

          

                                               Part 2: His Divine Presence

In 2nd grade, I remember sitting in mass with a fellow student and our teacher. I hadn't attended CCD and as I said before, we didn't attend mass all that often, so there was a great deal that was new to me and that I didn't know. The little girl next to me was not Catholic as she only attended St. Paul's Elementary School, so she was likewise unfamiliar with much of Catholic tradition and teaching. We arrived at the moment of consecration, the most mysterious and as I would soon learn, the most beautiful part of the mass. "Take this, all of you, and eat of it, for this is my Body, which will be given up for you. Take this, all of you, and drink from it for this is the chalice of my Blood, the Blood of the new and eternal covenant, which will be poured out for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins. Do this in memory of me." After our priest finished speaking, my young classmate next to me said, "Did His apostles think that was gross when Jesus told them to eat his Body and drink His Blood?" My teacher smiled in response, gave a small chuckle, and said, "Yes, I'm sure they did." Is that something that should be gross? Is it something that shouldn't be taken literally? It all depends on who you ask. Now that I'm older and have grown firmly as a Catholic, if you were to ask me that question I would say, "That is my beloved Lord Jesus, and I wouldn't want it any other way. :)   

One of the first times I took Brandy to mass, Fr. Charles, one of St. Paul's priests was officiating and he had arrived at the moment of consecration. As he lifted up the bread and wine, he would always pause a moment and would speak every word slowly and gracefully because he knew it was not him speaking. Then after speaking the words of Christ, he would pause and look at Christ. Brandy saw this moment and said to me after mass that the way Fr. Charles looks at the Eucharist is the way a husband looks at his wife with such love and devotion. 

Catholics believe that at that moment of Consecration where the priest lifts the chalice of wine and the bread, they become in a literal real way, the very Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of our Lord Jesus Christ. Catholics do believe that God comes to all of us at all times, he is indeed omnipotent, but He also chooses to come to us in very special ways and none more special than this to me. He comes to us so that we may receive His entire essence. It retains the physical and chemical signs of bread and wine, but it is no longer bread and wine. It changes in a way that is beyond our senses. It is a metaphysical change. It's substance has changed the way that we are changed when we come to Christ, a change that can not be seen by merely looking at someone's outward appearance. Christ transforms our very souls and He transforms the simple gifts of bread and wine into His Body and Blood that was poured out for us. This becomes His greatest gift, the gift of Himself. A miracle occurs at every mass. This is that miracle, and this is His divine presence. 

Everyone has a different experience of religion, some better than others.  For me, I define my religion as, a relationship with God that is developed through religious practices that serve only to enhance that relationship, not take away from it. My belief is that the teachings of a Faith if inspired by the Holy Spirit like Scripture are perfect, but those human beings put in charge of that Faith are not perfect. Everything we do, especially during mass is meant to help us keep our minds and our hearts on God. Before the priest reads from the Gospel, he and the congregation make a sign with their hands. We cross ourselves on the head, on the lips, and on the heart, asking God to help us understand His Word, speak His Word, and forever keep His Word in our Hearts, because the Word too is Christ and that too is how He comes to us. He is the Word made flesh.

The Eucharist is one of seven sacraments all meant to bestow upon us the grace of Christ in many different ways. Each helps us to form a special bond with Christ that only Christ could form. In the sacraments the priest, deacon, or bishop may be speaking visibly but only because Christ speaks through them. This is very much true in Confession. Catholics believe that God asks us to confess our sins to one another. One scripture points to this: "Jesus said to them again, 'Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I send you.' And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.” The apostles only forgave sins because of the power of the Holy Spirit bestowed upon them and likewise with the priests and bishops of today.

Confession has always made me feel so free and has given me the opportunity to talk through my sins, guilt, temptations, and anxiety. Confession was the perfect opportunity for God to speak to me through the priest who would often say things that resonated with me and knew things they should not have known. They would help me through the situation giving me practical and spiritual advice. It was at the request of a priest asked during confession that I began to attend mass daily. I've always seen penance as a way of reconnecting with God after a fall. It usually involves prayer. After we make a mistake, the most important thing we can do is talk to the person and move forward. God wants to forgive us. He wants to share his mercy.

One of my favorite Saint stories is the story of Saint Faustina, a young nun who had visions of Jesus imploring her to share the truth of His endless mercy with the world. I invite anyone of any Christian background to read her diary, the Diary of Saint Faustina. It's very powerful and shows how much God loves us. We are sinners, we make mistakes, but because we are now children of God, He can take us and make us clean at any moment as long as we have a repentant heart. We need to invite Him in. God won't force us to do anything. He gave us free will.

The saints for a Catholic are our brothers and sisters and our mentors. They are the ones who went before us and lived the Christian life. In life they were not perfect, but they followed the perfect will of the Father and are made perfect by Him in Heaven. Catholics do not believe that priests, bishops, or popes are perfect, only their roles as influenced by the power of Christ through the working of the Holy Spirit are perfect. Praying to a Saint to me more or less means asking for them to pray for us while honoring their memory just as you would ask a family member or friend to pray for you and then thank them for their prayers and their presence in your life. To me being a saint is not some distant milestone that should be sought after with fear and anxiety, but it's something attainable by all. All of us can follow Christ, therefore, pursuing the Father's Will which is the key to Holiness. Holiness is when our will aligns with the Will of the Father.

I spoke in the previous part about my relationship with Mary. I hear people say at times that Catholics worship Mary and place her as equal to the Holy Trinity or make her a part of the Trinity. I'm sure there are some misguided Catholics who do this but Catholic teaching around Mary all leads to Jesus, her Son. God had to choose the right vessel to house the Lord and to care for the Lord in his early years of life on the Earth. St. Joseph too is honored as part of the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I've known many Catholics some of whom became priests who were led to Christ by the influence of Mary His mother. Mary is honored because Jesus is her Son. Catholics point to a gospel passage among others for one reason why we believe Jesus wants us to have a relationship with Mary as a spiritual mother. John 19: 25-29 reads, "Now there stood by the cross of Jesus His mother, and His mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus therefore saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing by, He said to His mother, 'Woman, behold your son!' Then He said to the disciple, 'Behold your mother!' And from that hour that disciple took her to his own home." The beloved disciple is often believed to be John, the writer of the gospel of John. That figure is sometimes also interpreted to be us Christians because we are all the beloved disciples of Christ. Catholics interpret that passage as Jesus asking us to invite Mary into our hearts because she was so precious to Him and because He knows she will lead others to Him. The rosary, for example, is an intimate connection with Christ in which we pray with Mary to God while focusing on different aspects of the life of Christ and our own relationship to Him. While praying the rosary, I once had a vision. I was praying on the Garden of Gethsemane and I saw Mary pointing to Jesus as he was kneeling desperate in prayer with the Father. Sometimes, I have difficulty focusing my attention on God in prayer, but this helped me greatly and I was able to focus on that intimate moment of Jesus's life in which He showed that He was truly both human and divine and was someone I can connect with and relate to.

I'm going to end with one more story about the Eucharist. When I began to explore other denominations of Christianity, I began to doubt my own beliefs which led me to doubting God because its all I've known my whole life. It made me realize that my Faith was built on sand rather than rock. I knew Christ, but I didn't go deep enough into His teachings to see what I believed and more importantly why I believed them. One day, Brandy and I went to Catholic Underground in New York for Eucharistic Adoration which is the placing of the Eucharist on the altar in a monstrance, a special vessel for the Eucharist. I always felt called to sit beside as many others do at Adoration because I want to sit beside Jesus like those in the days when He walked the Earth teaching about the Kingdom. In a stirring moment while worship music was playing I bowed on my knees before the Eucharist in tears. After adoration had ended, I went to Brandy and she told me that she saw something. She said, "I saw Christ walking to each of you by the altar. He was smiling. as you were bowing and He placed his hand gently on your back guiding you as you bowed before Him." He was truly present. In the midst of everything, I knew that I needed to research and learn more about what Catholics believe and why. It led to a lot of searching in my heart and I found that I am exactly where I belong and where I find Christ's most divine presence.



This is not true in everyone's case. Some do not feel the connection to the teachings of the Church that I do. I've known others who have had truly awful experiences at the hands of truly awful individuals form all walks of life in religious circles. I personally know that God speaks through all because where two or three are gathered, God can be found. Thank you as always for reading and I would love to hear your questions, thoughts, and experiences as well. Please feel free to contact me.

Dear God, we love you infinitely! You are our amazing God. Though we may come form different backgrounds and walks of life, we all have one thing in common, we are all beloved by You and we all long for peace and love. May we seek to learn from each other no matter our differences. God, thank you for your continued Divine Presence in our lives. I don't know where I'd be without you and your Will for my life. I long to be more like You by becoming that which I consume. God, please bless all of your children, especially those who have felt pushed away from you by others. Make all of us Christians a perfect example of your love and grace. Bless us Lord and bring us into Your loving embrace. Amen!

Transformed by Christ: Life's Great Irony

I've had so much that I've wanted to write about these past few months, that I've been struggling to choose just one topic to dive into. As I began to concentrate on one thought, another would come to mind that I was eager to express, but as I focused more on each topic, I began to see a theme. I've always asked God to direct my mind and my fingers to write that which he wishes me to write and I think I've found His topic of choice for this post and those that will follow: A relationship with Christ transforms us.

I've described in detail my relationship with God and how it has deepened in my short life from loving the idea of God to falling madly in love with the living God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. That love more than any other is transformative and takes you as you are but does not leave you there. It's hard to encounter Christ truly and remain the same as before. Those baptized receive the ultimate change in identity. You are no longer a child of sin and of darkness but now a child of God. That goes for those walking with Christ from childhood and learning along the way and those that come to Him in adulthood. For I believe that you don't just have the the opportunity to choose Christ once, but you have the obligation and the great privilege of choosing Him daily. In that truth lies for me the answer to the question, "Who am I?" In the search for my own identity, I had to always remember what Christ teaches us about life's greatest irony: The more you lose pieces of yourself, the easier it becomes to find who you truly are. 

Deny yourself, take up your cross daily and follow Me

I remember when I was in a college class several years ago, and a professor asked all of us to identify our identities. He more or less asked us to describe who we are. As members of the class raised their hands and provided their answers, they were immediately shot down by our professor. One student responded, "I'm a mother and a student." The professor responded, "But that's not your identity, that describes your current role in life." Another student responded, "I'm a young white woman who wants to become a social worker." Our professor responded in much the same, "But that's not your identity, that's your race, gender, and future goals." Finally, a third student raised their hand, "I'm a good caring person who is a strong leader." A third student was shot down by the professor, "But that's not your identity, that describes your characteristics." All of us were left baffled; no more hands were raised. 

I feel that the professor was making a very strong point. There are a few ways to see identity. Most are subjective. You can identity yourself by your role as a father or mother, by goals, and by your greatest accomplishments, but what if we can go deeper with identity? What if identity could be that which directs your entire being, that which directs your role as a mother or father, your dreams, and your characteristics, that which transforms you from the inside out, and that which drives you and creates in you a better version of yourself? 

Identity can be a very dangerous topic especially for young teenagers. "I'm fat, I'm a troublemaker, or I'm dumb." Those are only false characteristics but if you allow them to go deep enough inside your heart, they can become your identity and can direct your entire life. For those those lost in their sin, your sin can become your identity. Your drive to satisfy your lust or your greed or to free yourself of your pain at the expense of others can become that which directs every action in your life. Thirdly, if you feel as I had that you are incapable or worthless or shameful, those feelings can become your identity and can prevent you from realizing your true identity and your true self. 

For those who follow Christ, the answer is clear, we are children of God, but do we live as children of God? Do we give in to our shame, do we indulge ourselves in our sinful passions, do we deny others in favor of our own selfish desires or do we choose to turn to God because of our identity as His beloved children and choose instead to confess and be free of our past failings, to deny ourselves our sinful natures, and seek to love others as Christ instructed in His greatest commandment? 

When I remember who I truly am, everything changes. With the many changes in my life, it is easy to lose myself in the stress and the responsibility. My identity can be solely that I am a father and a husband who works for a nonprofit as a program services manager, but again I need to look deeper. I can be the best father, the best husband, and the best manager only when I remember that I am first and foremost a child of God, a member of the bride of Christ, the Body of Christ. I make mistakes and sometimes, I go into work or I stay at home with my family forgetting who I truly am. I allow my frustration or my anger, or my pain, or my doubt, or my addictions, to become my identity. My own personal commitment is to remember that I am a child of God everyday and that I will allow God to transform me by looking back always on who I am. I will deny those parts of me that are not truly a part of who I am. They are merely a product of a fallen world. Even something that seems good, done for the wrong reasons can be bad. I love video games and they can either be used a tool to relax with my wife or a crutch to escape from reality. Helping others for my own personal gratification or because I expect something in return comes not from God but from man. For me, any part of me, anything I do, think, or feel that takes me away from my God does belong as a part of my life, it does not define me and it is not who I am. God alone defines me, and if I allow God alone to transform me, then nothing in this world can harm the true me.

Heavenly Father, I love you beyond all things, beyond anything this world can offer. You are my beloved God. Father, please help me to make You the center of my life, so that all I do may be a direct reflection of You. Transform me God. Help me to focus less on me and more on You. In all that I do in life, my sole primary identity is as Your beloved Child. You love me and You love my family. Nothing can touch me when I allow You to define me. I love You Lord now and always. Amen

My Love Letter to God: Living Christ Reflected

There is no one like our amazing God. He is our bridegroom, our beloved, and as He has chosen to die for us, we shall choose to live for Him. I wish to live my life in no other way. There are challenges and sufferings on the long journey home but walking this path is well worth overcoming those little bumps we face along the way. I know that our amazing God is there watching over us, walking with us, and showering us with His peace, with His mercy, and with His constant, limitless,  love. His goodness is reflected in every good deed and in every good thing we see on this earth. Since April 6th, I've seen His reflection time and time again in situations and in people. I know now in an even deeper way than I had ever known before that all good in this world comes from and lies within our amazing, merciful, loving God worthy of all praise and worthy of our trust. That is the God I love. 

 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" -James 1:17

It would be an understatement to say that these last two weeks have been a wild roller coaster ride filled to the brim with unexpected events and a whole range of emotions, but nonetheless, it is fitting. Our son, Daniel Richard Pavano, was born at 5:42 in the afternoon on April 6th, 2018. On that day, I witnessed an amazing reflection of Christ. I saw His innocence reflected in the beauty of my son and His love reflected in the way my wife and I felt when we first caught a glimpse of that precious little boy as he entered the world. I've heard others say many times that witnessing the miracle of birth is unlike any other experience, and I would agree. God gave us love; God gave us life. In that moment he was born, I cannot begin to express the joy that I felt in my heart as I witnessed my wife hold our beautiful boy for the first time and the feeling of gratitude that swelled within me when I realized that God had honored us with the privilege of caring for this little blessing.  

My Glorious Father, thank you! Thank you for giving life to this boy, my son. You gave life to me and Brandy and have allowed us in turn to give life to our son. I am your son, beloved by you. Now I too have a son whom I love. I love my son so much Lord. I feel such joy just looking at his face and watching him as he grows familiar with this new world. I know even with how much I love my son, it pales in comparison to how much you love him and how much you love me. I'm learning more about Your love but I acknowledge that I am only scratching the surface of our relationship and of who You are. As I come to know my son and come to know my new role as Father, I will come to know You all the more. For all of this I am most grateful Lord.

The joy I had felt quickly turned to sorrow and fear when we realized, as my son fed from my wife, that something was very wrong. While feeding for only a brief time, Daniel pushed back from my wife. Instinct took over and she asked for a nurse to come to the room. I called the nursing staff who rushed in and took our son over to a nearby isle-let. The fear and the sorrow the enveloped me compared little to the look of horror on my wife's face as her son was taken from her with little explanation beyond that he couldn't breathe. It was a moment that is burned onto my heart. My wife and I both had the same thought, "This wasn't supposed to happen. The ultrasounds gave no indication that something was wrong with him." In this moment, it felt as if God couldn't be any further away. But in truth, he was present among us. He was holding me, he was holding my wife, and he was holding our son.  

Father, I recognize in my heart that You do not cause bad things to happen. For only good can come from You Lord, not evil. Then why? Why the pain that my wife feels, that I feel for our son? He arrives in this world appearing healthy in the womb only to be sick. We await his arrival eagerly only for him to be taken away... But the story doesn't end there Lord. I know truly that he will not be taken away from us. This difficult moment is not all there is. There is pain in this world only because this world is broken, not because You will it to be so. I trust in You God. I trust in Christ Your Son, but sometimes it is so difficult when my anxiety takes over and the world and the flesh seek to dominate my thoughts turning them from joy into sorrow breaking any sense of peace that You give me... But they can't. Your peace is always available to me Lord, if only I accept it and l do accept it. I will let Your Son into my Heart as I did when I was young. Daniel's condition is fixable Father. I feel joy in my heart and gratitude. I will not let the Enemy or the world take You and Your peace away from me. At times, in these moments of doubt and uncertainty, You are all I have. I refuse to push You away. You gave Your only Son so that my family, my son may live, both in this life and the next. Lord God, I trust in You. 

God truly did have all of us in His loving arms. Thankfully we didn't have to wait long to learn more details about the condition Daniel was born with which is called esophageal atresia. Typically with this condition, the child's esophagus is not connected, so food and liquid collects in a pouch in the esophagus. There is also a chance for the esophagus to be connected to the trachea which occurred in Daniel's case. We still had questions and Daniel's future was in doubt, but we had our Lord with us in many different ways. We saw God's comforting heart and active love reflected in those around us. Our families rushed quickly to comfort us despite the fear they too were feeling from the situation. Then Fr. Robert from St. Paul's came down in a hurry to offer us comfort and to baptize Daniel not for fear that He would pass away but to do as the Lord had said, to baptize all welcoming them into the family of the Lord offering great comfort to Brandy and to me. Daniel had the rare privilege of being born not just once, but twice in the same day. First he was born of the flesh and then he was born of the Spirit in the name of our Heavenly Father, in the name of His beloved Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, and in the name of the Holy Spirit, our Comforter. Now, the Holy Spirit was moving in the hearts our loved ones. As soon as word reached them, members of several churches began to pray, including those of Tabernacle and St. Paul's Parish. All of our friends and family began to pray and to send their love. God's children were called to action and the Holy Spirit was moving.

Spirit of the Lord, Thank you for giving me such amazing brothers and sisters to pray for us and to support us. I am so grateful beyond words Lord. You continue to move in God's people encouraging them to love one another the way Christ instructed them when He walked the Earth. Thank you for hearing their prayers. I had never felt more loved prior to this point in my life. Lord, they truly are Your hands and Your feet. Thank you Lord for walking with us within our brothers and sisters. 

From this point on, I felt renewed in Spirit. I felt not only grateful but full of joy and full of a zealousness to give from which I was given and more. As Brandy and I learned more about the situation and understood that Daniel's life was not in danger, we allowed ourselves to feel at ease. Though it was still difficult being unable to hold our son, we were renewed in strength and comfort by the Holy Spirit each day and the Spirit was speaking in our hearts. So many have said to us that they are impressed with how we have handled the situation but Brandy and I desire to give credit where it is due. God deserves all of the glory, for he has helped us to be brave and to be strong in spite of the circumstances. With God and only with Him do we recognize that we can overcome any obstacle. Circumstances of life change. People come and go. We experience good times and bad. But one thing remains the same, God is always there. His Spirit, our Advocate and our Comforter lives and moves in all of us.

You are my God; Your fire burns in my heart. It's easy in times of great change, great joy, or great distress to make a vow of renewal of my spirit. God, please continue to work in me. Transform me each day. Make me the best father, husband, Catholic Christian, and man that I can possibly be. I recognize that I am weak in my flesh but in Your Spirit, Lord, I am made strong. I know Lord that I struggled in my prayer life before Daniel's arrival. I don't understand why I strayed from prayer. I attended your Supper but I would choose not to retreat to my room to be alone with You. Was it fear, was it anxiety? I do not know. But I am steadfast in changing that. I want Daniel to have a Father that clings to prayer and to Scripture. Scripture says, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." Prompt me Spirit at all times to pray and to give thanks. I want to build a deeper relationship with You, my beloved God. 

The relationship my wife and I share, for me, ever reflects our relationship with God, particularly Christ, Jesus. He is our constant companion. He wants us to share our entire selves with Him, the good and the bad. He loves us in spite of our faults and inspires us to be our best selves in all aspects of life. In my relationship with God like my relationship with Brandy I want to not only be heard but to hear. I wear a ring on my right hand reflecting my total devotion to my Lord just as a wear a ring on my left reflecting my total devotion to my beloved wife. When I met Brandy, I thought I couldn't love her more. No one had impressed me the way she had with her Faith, with her intelligence, and with her free spirit that could be squashed by no one. When I laid upon her beauty of flesh, mind, and spirit, I saw reflected the beauty of God. Over the past few weeks, Brandy has impressed me in ways I could not imagine. Her deep Faith and passionate love for Christ have only grown more substantial with time. Seeing her love for our son and her dedication to breast feeding as a way of caring for our son during this difficult time is incredible. She is a good mother now and always. I remember that moment I saw her that fateful day at CW and knew she would be my future wife... And I thought I loved her then.

Lord Jesus, I cannot begin to describe how much I love You. You are always a presence in my life in so many ways. Everything about You I find reflected in all of the good of my life. Those whom I love, my family and my friends, the natural world around me, and every good thing that happens in my life that brings me joy reflects Your nature. Everything good that happens on Earth, every good deed is because of You Lord. I know this in my heart. I love who You are more than anything in life and I know that no matter what happens, You will always be with me. Lord Jesus, I long for You. I long to receive You in Your Eucharist. I wish to receive you body, blood, soul, and divinity as often as I can Lord. When I receive Your Body and Blood, I feel whole and complete. I long for Your Word. I hunger for Your Word in Scripture. There I find Your wisdom and what You ask of me, how you want me to live my life. I want to live in no other way than in the way that is most pleasing to You Lord. I want to live in a way that reflects your love to the whole world so this world will know You more and love You more. When someone sees a good quality in me, I know that it is owed to You because You created me and You transform me. I know that during this past week You have been holding me, You have been holding my wife, and You are holding my Son. You are a constant presence in My life Lord and that alone makes me so grateful. I remember when I first fell in love with You as a young man. I learned that You wish to have a strong everlasting relationship with us and that You love us more than we know. We are so loved beyond words and that all good is from You. I saw such beauty in hearing Your Word and in receiving your Body and Blood... And I thought I loved You then. 

Dear Lord, thank You for the gift of my son. I thank you that you have given my wife and me the honor and privilege of raising this beautiful boy. I am so grateful to You Lord not only that Daniel is healing and is near recovery but also that You have helped me to see the good in this situation. I don't want to take a single moment with my young family for granted. I want to enjoy every moment with my son to the best of my ability. I want to live my life in a way that reflects You in every action and every thought. I will fail and struggle at times with my son. I will make mistakes, but I feel that I have a stronger head start because of this experience and Lord for that I am grateful.

 Lord above all, I can't wait to introduce my son to the One who has always walked with me, to the One who strengthens me, to the One who loves me and my family more than anyone possibly can, to the One who teaches me how to live a good holy life, and to the One whose goodness and beauty are reflected in every good thing on this Earth. Lord God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I can't wait to introduce him to You.

 I love You, God, now and always!

Amen 

Listening for the Quiet Voice

I felt lost in a sea of words. Everyone around me speaking. All of my thoughts, all my doubts, screaming within me. Where do I turn? I felt lost in darkness like a traveler in the wilderness without a compass or a map, only scraps of paper with directions written in another language. I didn't know which way to turn. Hopeless and feeling lost, I turned to those around me, my beloved family and my friends, but the voices of those I trusted were being drowned out in the doubts. So many voices; so much noise. It took some time, but in the midst of the loud thunderous storm raging in my mind, I learned how to listen for the quiet tender voice speaking in my heart.

To this day I struggle with listening to God. It's not always easy especially when my mind races with thoughts, but I find that the more I seek His voice, the easier it becomes to listen. When the pain is so great that I can't feel Him, I gain a desire to pray unceasingly as the Lord demands. I seek out for Him with a hunger unlike any other. I compare it to spending time with my wife. When I was busy in my previous semester of college it became more difficult for Brandy and I to find time to spend with one another. It will become even more of a challenge when our young one is born. We found that the little time we did have together should be used in the best manner possible. We would set that time apart and call it "quality time." Phones were to be shut off and we were to focus our attention only on each other. Can I set aside quality time for God, even the briefest time in the day? One minute, five minutes, ten minutes. Understanding from my own perspective, I'd rather have five minutes of deep meaningful connection with my wife in a given day than none or thirty minutes of sitting with a stranger in a room looking at our phones.

As I mentioned in my first post, I began a relationship in my time at college that was doomed to fail. It was my first relationship, and I had no deep meaningful relationships up to this point in my life. I only had my parents. I also had a lot of anxiety and a lack of self confidence. My girlfriend at the time also struggled with many of these same issues. It was a recipe for disaster. When we grew closer, I grew afraid and unsure. As I pulled away, she began to threaten to end her life. I began to turn to everyone around me. The voices were bursting through into my mind. Unsure, I decided to start a relationship with her. That became a big mistake for both of us. Consequently, we both suffered though a lot of struggle for the next two years.

I try to spend some time in prayer each day. I want a relationship with my Lord, so I need to make time for Him. I want to learn more about Him by listening to Him in His Word and through our time spent together in prayer. I listen to Him through my meditation on the mysteries of the rosary, I listen to Him through reading the Gospels, and I listen to Him through hearing the priest's homily spoken at each mass. Through all the ways God speaks, I begin to tune myself more closely with Him. A feeling or a thought suddenly coming to my mind during prayer lets me know that God is speaking. Ultimately prayer and listening to Him is transformative and gives a means through which we receive the map and compass that guide us through the darkness of the wilderness into the light of the Kingdom of God.

Much of the issue of relationship became that we lost ourselves in it. I began attending mass less and my prayer life was nonexistent. There were also voices that were leading me astray from what I thought of myself and away from the core values that I held dear to my heart. Because of past experiences my ex-girlfriend and her family couldn't find in their hearts to trust me. They doubted my sincerity and made me feel that I was a bad person. I also reached the point where I felt that I was wrong for wanting to wait until marriage to be sexually intimate. The voices clouded my judgement. Many of them were coming from my own mind twisting everything into a chorus of negative thoughts and perceptions. I was no longer Michael. I was a shell of my true self. The quiet voice was drowned out and all that I knew felt like a lie. Then, as I felt that there was no way back to the Kingdom, I learned to delve into the voices to discern when God was speaking and when the flesh was speaking.

God's Will is the map and compass in my life. I find that if I listen to that quiet voice speaking, I can better find my way through life. I become more like Christ and less like the flesh. I find that I am more free in Him than I will ever be without Him. As that relationship deepens with Christ I find myself more willing to listen with a loving ear to those around me, especially my family. God taught me how to love and God teaches me how to listen. Without His loving Word for me, I would not be where I am today.

The relationship continued until 2014. My mind was telling me to stay but my heart was telling me to leave. I grew to care for my ex-girlfriend's nephew like a son, but I knew deep in my heart that staying would only cause more pain and anguish for her, for me, and for her nephew. I deeply examined all of the advice of those around me and found where God was speaking. I learned to listen to the right voices, those that spoke lovingly like the Lord. He told me that I was who I believed myself to be, that I was deeply loved by Him, and that nothing would separate us if only I chose to seek and follow Him. With help from a therapist, my ex-girlfriend and I parted ways. In spite of or maybe because of the sorrow and the pain, I sought God more than ever before in my life. I hungered for Him in the Eucharist and in His Word. He was speaking. His gentle quiet voice was calling to me and I was ready to listen. He told me to follow through on this beautiful girl's invitation to go to a worship night and the rest is history.

Heavenly Father, I love You and I seek You above all else. You are my Lord and My God. Help me to seek You in Your Word, in the silence, and in Your Body, the Eucharist and Your beloved children. Walk with me on this journey through Your beloved Son our Lord Jesus Christ. Guide me along the righteous path and never cease to speak even when I struggle to listen. I love You my Lord and Savior. I am Yours now and forever. Amen!

This is the Day the Lord has Made

Today, I want to reflect on my recent thoughts on living a life of Christ in the present and how by focusing on our God we can overcome our obstacles and become more like Him in all parts of our life. In light of the recent loss in our family, I find looking at this topic even more fitting. 

Have you ever found yourself so focused on your tomorrow that you wonder what happened to your yesterday? This happens to me far too often. There are many Bible verses in which we are told about how we should not worry about tomorrow and should instead focus on today. One of my favorite verses on the subject is found in Matthew. Our Lord says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Its clear that the Lord wants us to focus on the present moment. I've heard a pastor say before that the Lord is not found in the past or the future, He can only be found right here and now in the present. Searching your past or your future may help in providing answers, change, and ultimately peace, but its most important to live the answers, live the change, and live the peace for which you seek so earnestly.  

Beside worrying about tomorrow and focusing on tomorrow, I also tend to put off until tomorrow. In putting off until tomorrow, I make a critical mistake. I assume tomorrow. The Lord warns against waiting to move forward in Matthew Chapter 25 verse 13, "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour." Our Lord is speaking in the context of the Parable of the Ten Virgins. We must be prepared on this day in this moment. We do not know when the end will come. The Lord says that we have no need to worry about the end, but we must always be ready. For me, this means that I should live each day as if its my last. My last chance to tell my family that I love them, my last chance to turn a weakness into a strength, my last chance to share the joy of the gospel with the world, and my last chance to live this earthly life to the fullest living a life worthy of Christ just as Christ would wish me to live.

In this way, I choose to flip the concept of YOLO on its head. YOLO stands for "You only live once." You have one life and one chance to get everything you want out of life. For some it means crossing items off a bucket list and for others it may go deeper and direct every thought and action. It means that if I only have one life to live, I should get the most I can for myself and live a life for my own pleasure and joy as often as I can. Though mostly used by teenagers, I see this way of thinking often in society, including in myself. I only live once. I should just buy that expensive video game or take this time for myself while I still have it. Lately, God has been working in me to change this way of thinking. Instead of living for myself, He is helping me to live for others and to use this life in the way that He wants even if its not always the way I want. We only have one chance on this earth in this life to prepare ourselves and others for the next life, our Heavenly life spent for eternity with our beloved Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

It will come as no surprise to know that as an introvert I've spent a lot of time in reflection and contemplation. I've thought about many of life's mysteries, including and especially the purpose and meaning of our lives. What does it all mean? Are the persistent challenges worth it? What does God want from me? I've had times in my life when I've struggled to keep going because I didn't see the purpose in what I was going through. For me, when I can find God in every situation and cling closely to Him, His Holy Love, and Divine Will, I begin to look at the situation from a different perspective in a renewed place. Even in the midst of the most intense storm, I can find my peace, but only when I seek and find my God. 

Procrastination, one of my greatest weaknesses, has plagued me most of my life. Since grade school, I've allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my school work and by my unceasingly ability to be a perfectionist and to criticize my own work to the point when I felt incapable of doing anything. To this day, those criticisms come and go with little rest in between. If you ever feel that you are your own worst critic and struggle in this way, please know you are not alone. Because I procrastinate, I often find myself putting off not just school work in college but also those key moments when I can work on myself or even do things I enjoy like reading and praying. I find myself focusing on my fear that I will never rise above my challenges. This leads me to focus on useless activities like playing video games for hours on end. In engaging in this behavior for many years, I've come to a conclusion. 

If I focus so strongly on the fear of failure, I don't give myself the opportunity to even try. A small success even in the midst of a hundred failures means that I am growing in some way and that there is good from trying. Without trying, I stand no chance of even a single success and my chance for future failures only grows. The Lord has made this day and has given me many gifts and many opportunities to use those gifts. Now is my chance to use them. Now is my chance to share God's love with the world.

Heavenly Father, I love you above all things. You are my Lord and my God. I wish to always focus on You even in the midst of the worst storms. My Father, please remind me at all moments of my life that You love me and that I am capable of doing what You will of me if only I accept it and remember that my gifts are from You and You alone. I can do all things through You. How can I fear the future when I know that you walk beside me? Help me to love you by being a great example of love to others. Father, I know this is the day that You have made. Each day is crafted by Your loving hands. I shall rejoice and be glad in it! Amen! 

My Love Letter to God: Learning to Walk with Christ

When I was about 16 years old, I was present at daily mass for a homily that would change my life. The priest that day spoke of having a love for God, not just a regular type of love that you would have for a friend or family member but a deep, passionate, self-sacrificing. and romantic kind of love. At 16, I had yet to experience anything remotely like this at that point in my life. Something, however, clicked in my mind that day that I couldn't shake. I had a feeling of love in my heart and I couldn't get the Lord off my mind. I was falling madly deeply in love with Him. I looked up at the cross and the image of a man hanging from it. The symbol for the one man who didn't deserve to die, the one free from sin who chose to give up His own life so that our sins may be forgiven. A sacrificial kind of love; a love so deep and so passionate that nothing could surpass it. That's when I realized that I wanted to give Him that same kind of love in return and that in my heart, I was beginning to feel for Him the same way He felt for me and for all those He created. 

In the past, I've heard others say that the best way to share your Faith with others is through telling stories. Stories from your own life or stories from the lives of those you know can help someone open up to the idea of following Christ and maybe take the first steps toward making that lifelong journey with Him.

I've told my story before, my own testimony of how God has walked with me in my life. I've called it my love letter to God. I'm going to share some of my story today. 

From a young age, I've been attracted to the heroic from superheroes in fancy suits fighting criminals and saving the day to knights in shining armor giving their lives to protect the kingdom and its inhabitants. It comes as no surprise then that I would have a desire to learn more about a God who gave His life so that others may live. He was my hero and my inspiration from the first moment I began to learn about Him. 

My mother taught me about God. Then it was when I went to St. Paul's Catholic School that I began to learn more about Him and how to connect with Him. I learned about Jesus's life and about how He desired for His followers to live. The teachings of the Catholic Church always interested me. They placed an importance on tradition and living a holy life like one of the heroes from my favorite stories. As I went through my education at St. Paul's my desire to learn more about God only grew. Then when I was home schooled during my late teen years, through joy and through pain I learned to cling to God. 

I suffered from lonliness and an addiction to pornography, a futile way of dealing with the pain. I was afraid of interaction with anyone outside of my family but at the same time I deeply desired it. My shyness and my social anxiety made it difficult for me to make friends. Then my OCD made it hard for me to focus on anything else. I obsessed over my negative thoughts and feelings. Though it was bad in my childhood, it only became worse in my teen years. I didn't want to pray or go to church when I was feeling that way, but leaving behind my God was the worst thing I could have done. To come to a deeper relationship with God is the reason that we live and breath. Anxiety and pain are a result of living in a world suffering as a result of the Fall but with God we can learn to live in His joy and His peace. Jesus did not promise that we would be free from pain on this Earth, but He did promise that He would always be with us and that was enough for me. 

After allowing myself to fall in love with God, things started to change. I felt a sense of purpose in my life. I felt drawn to the mass, especially the Eucharist. I saw Christ in the Eucharist more than I ever had before. I felt blessed to receive Him in such an amazing way through His Flesh and Blood transformed on the alter. I wanted to receive Him in every possible way. I came to Him through the Eucharist, I came to Him through helping and loving others as Christ tells us to do, and I came to Him through His Word in the Scriptures. As my time as a homeschooled student ended, I felt that I was being called to college to pursue a degree. 

It was in college where I met the girl with whom I would have my first relationship. Through the next two years I experienced the pains of the relationship. I also began to learn that I was called to be a father and a husband but that relationship had to come to end. Through God's intercession, I ended the relationship and turned to Him to move on with my life and eventually met the amazing woman that would become my wife Brandy. 

Living this amazing life has filled me with great joy and I am incredibly excited by the coming of my son Daniel next year! Now living with God in my joy, I choose not to abandon Him but to offer Him thanks in the good times just as I asked for His intercession during the bad times. It is not always easy and still I find myself feeling a spiritual dryness at times but I recognize that God is greater than any feeling. I may still feel anxiety, but I can see the transformation in myself. I am kinder and more loving, more at peace when I pray and deepen my relationship with my Lord. 

I encourage you to look back on your life and look for the ways that God has touched you and remind yourself of how God has walked with you. He loves you and even when you are not with Him or are not pursuing Him, He is always pursuing you, calling out to you, loving you, and asking you to return to Him. I encourage everyone to write your own personal love letter to God and remember that He loves you above all things. to live your purpose in life is to accept this love and to love Him in return with the same deep, passionate, self-sacrificing love with which Christ loved us when He died on the cross for us. 

Lord Jesus, I love you always. You are my amazing and glorious God. I ask you to be with me this day and to help me to remember that you walked with me in my life during the bad times and the good times and that you will continue to walk with me both now and unto the end of my life on this Earth. Lord I desire nothing more than to have a stronger and deeper relationship with you. Help me to deepen that relationship and to always seek You just as You always seek me. I love you always.