Listening for the Quiet Voice

I felt lost in a sea of words. Everyone around me speaking. All of my thoughts, all my doubts, screaming within me. Where do I turn? I felt lost in darkness like a traveler in the wilderness without a compass or a map, only scraps of paper with directions written in another language. I didn't know which way to turn. Hopeless and feeling lost, I turned to those around me, my beloved family and my friends, but the voices of those I trusted were being drowned out in the doubts. So many voices; so much noise. It took some time, but in the midst of the loud thunderous storm raging in my mind, I learned how to listen for the quiet tender voice speaking in my heart.

To this day I struggle with listening to God. It's not always easy especially when my mind races with thoughts, but I find that the more I seek His voice, the easier it becomes to listen. When the pain is so great that I can't feel Him, I gain a desire to pray unceasingly as the Lord demands. I seek out for Him with a hunger unlike any other. I compare it to spending time with my wife. When I was busy in my previous semester of college it became more difficult for Brandy and I to find time to spend with one another. It will become even more of a challenge when our young one is born. We found that the little time we did have together should be used in the best manner possible. We would set that time apart and call it "quality time." Phones were to be shut off and we were to focus our attention only on each other. Can I set aside quality time for God, even the briefest time in the day? One minute, five minutes, ten minutes. Understanding from my own perspective, I'd rather have five minutes of deep meaningful connection with my wife in a given day than none or thirty minutes of sitting with a stranger in a room looking at our phones.

As I mentioned in my first post, I began a relationship in my time at college that was doomed to fail. It was my first relationship, and I had no deep meaningful relationships up to this point in my life. I only had my parents. I also had a lot of anxiety and a lack of self confidence. My girlfriend at the time also struggled with many of these same issues. It was a recipe for disaster. When we grew closer, I grew afraid and unsure. As I pulled away, she began to threaten to end her life. I began to turn to everyone around me. The voices were bursting through into my mind. Unsure, I decided to start a relationship with her. That became a big mistake for both of us. Consequently, we both suffered though a lot of struggle for the next two years.

I try to spend some time in prayer each day. I want a relationship with my Lord, so I need to make time for Him. I want to learn more about Him by listening to Him in His Word and through our time spent together in prayer. I listen to Him through my meditation on the mysteries of the rosary, I listen to Him through reading the Gospels, and I listen to Him through hearing the priest's homily spoken at each mass. Through all the ways God speaks, I begin to tune myself more closely with Him. A feeling or a thought suddenly coming to my mind during prayer lets me know that God is speaking. Ultimately prayer and listening to Him is transformative and gives a means through which we receive the map and compass that guide us through the darkness of the wilderness into the light of the Kingdom of God.

Much of the issue of relationship became that we lost ourselves in it. I began attending mass less and my prayer life was nonexistent. There were also voices that were leading me astray from what I thought of myself and away from the core values that I held dear to my heart. Because of past experiences my ex-girlfriend and her family couldn't find in their hearts to trust me. They doubted my sincerity and made me feel that I was a bad person. I also reached the point where I felt that I was wrong for wanting to wait until marriage to be sexually intimate. The voices clouded my judgement. Many of them were coming from my own mind twisting everything into a chorus of negative thoughts and perceptions. I was no longer Michael. I was a shell of my true self. The quiet voice was drowned out and all that I knew felt like a lie. Then, as I felt that there was no way back to the Kingdom, I learned to delve into the voices to discern when God was speaking and when the flesh was speaking.

God's Will is the map and compass in my life. I find that if I listen to that quiet voice speaking, I can better find my way through life. I become more like Christ and less like the flesh. I find that I am more free in Him than I will ever be without Him. As that relationship deepens with Christ I find myself more willing to listen with a loving ear to those around me, especially my family. God taught me how to love and God teaches me how to listen. Without His loving Word for me, I would not be where I am today.

The relationship continued until 2014. My mind was telling me to stay but my heart was telling me to leave. I grew to care for my ex-girlfriend's nephew like a son, but I knew deep in my heart that staying would only cause more pain and anguish for her, for me, and for her nephew. I deeply examined all of the advice of those around me and found where God was speaking. I learned to listen to the right voices, those that spoke lovingly like the Lord. He told me that I was who I believed myself to be, that I was deeply loved by Him, and that nothing would separate us if only I chose to seek and follow Him. With help from a therapist, my ex-girlfriend and I parted ways. In spite of or maybe because of the sorrow and the pain, I sought God more than ever before in my life. I hungered for Him in the Eucharist and in His Word. He was speaking. His gentle quiet voice was calling to me and I was ready to listen. He told me to follow through on this beautiful girl's invitation to go to a worship night and the rest is history.

Heavenly Father, I love You and I seek You above all else. You are my Lord and My God. Help me to seek You in Your Word, in the silence, and in Your Body, the Eucharist and Your beloved children. Walk with me on this journey through Your beloved Son our Lord Jesus Christ. Guide me along the righteous path and never cease to speak even when I struggle to listen. I love You my Lord and Savior. I am Yours now and forever. Amen!