Hi everyone, so this is part 1 of my new 875 part testimony series where I will be digging deeply into every single detail of my… I’m just kidding. I’m only 27, this won’t take that long.
My name is Michael and I want to start off by saying that I hope and pray you all are doing well during this very difficult time. Please know that you are never alone. I love you and God loves you, and I’m praying for you.
For those who don’t know me, I am a Catholic Christian, I’ve been married to my amazing wife Brandy for almost 4 years, and we have one son Daniel, our little miracle, who had surgery very soon after he was born, and one daughter on the way who is due to be born on September 17th which excites us more than I can say.
In this series, I will be sharing my testimony. My desire to share my story was inspired by my good friend and godfather to my son Adam who also shared his testimony a while back. You can find that on his Youtube channel CatholicDad84.
In my testimony, I will share how God has touched my own life directing my paths to guide me to where I am today. God has walked beside me through my struggles with fear, worry, and doubt, especially self-doubt and has revealed to me the source of all Truth, Christ our Lord. In my life God has used the teachings and members of the Catholic Church to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him and to then draw me out into the world I so feared. And that is what has led me here today to share my story with all of you.
This series is broken down into 3 parts, not quite 875. I’ll begin by talking about how I was first introduced to the Catholic Faith and our Lord Jesus Christ when the early seeds of our relationship were planted.
In the second part, I talk about how I fell deeply in love with Jesus as my bridegroom and gave myself to Him but not completely and not for the right reasons.
Finally, I talk about how I came to know God not just as my bridegroom but also as my loving Father and the source of all peace and Truth, a Truth that was given to and shared by the Catholic Church.
Before I delve into how God has touched my life, I want to share a quick story.
For the past several months, I’ve been posting some reflections on Facebook, inspired by my son Daniel. In one of the reflections, I talk about how Daniel and I would often play in the backyard. I would walk the yard with him and show him the boundaries of the yard, and how to pick himself up if he fell, things like that. On this particular day, on this cement block where Daniel likes to sit with me, he got up and just started walking. I knew he was safe and I could keep an eye on him, so I just let him go and explore. As I was watching, Daniel stopped, gave a quick glance back at me, and smiled and waved. He then looked forward again and continued walking. Again, he stopped, looked back at me, smiled and waved. He did this a few times and it just touched my mind and heart in such a way because it got me thinking about my relationship with Christ.
That is the spiritual life. We start off as baptized children of God but as we go off into the world, we sometimes go along straight paths and move forward but at other times, we get lost, or fall, and need to look back for guidance and to remember that we do not walk those paths alone. We need to look back at Jesus to remember that He is still with us. In my life, I’ve needed time and time again to look back not only for Christ but for His Church and His Truth lest I lose my way.
Having that relationship doesn't leave us stagnant. Christ is always there helping us to grow into the women and men He’s called us to be.
Sometimes I listened and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I would keep looking toward Him and walk in His freedom, but other times, I would look away, doubt, and sink into despair and sin. It’s important to remember that Christ’s Call just like His love is freely given. The trouble is that it's not always freely received.
I was born and raised in a small town in Connecticut by two amazing parents. My parents and my grandfather co-owned a business selling auto body supplies, which involved travel to swap meets, flea markets, and other venues. They were gone a lot on the road, but they would take me with them keeping me out of school if necessary.
After a challenging year in my hometown’s public school, I begged my parents to send me somewhere else. I approached them with St. Paul’s, the local Catholic Elementary and Middle School. Later in my life, a few years ago in fact, my parents told me that they had asked me as a little boy how I heard about St. Paul’s. I responded that I had seen a commercial for the School. They told me that there was no commercial for the school at the time. God was drawing our family to St. Paul’s.
My parents were Catholic and had me baptized at a local Catholic Church when I was a baby, but that was mostly the extent of our practicing the Faith. Because we were gone so often on the weekends, we were unable to attend mass, and we didn’t pray the more well known prayers of the Faith. My mom did her best to teach me what she knew, but for the most part my knowledge of Christ and the Catholic Church was limited until I came to St. Paul’s.
It was there where I got my first education of Christ and where my first stages of theology were being formed. Jesus, at the time, was a great figure that I looked up to. At St. Paul’s, I learned how Jesus lived, and how He desired for His disciples to live. He was a man of great strength who was willing to sacrifice everything, even his life for those He loved.
Looking back now, it makes sense that a young boy who wanted nothing more than to be a chivalrous knight would look up to Jesus. I remember praying to Jesus as a child would pray, with confidence and often for simple things like help with a test or for something frivolous. It was at St. Paul’s where I first heard Jesus through His Words in the bible and through the lessons in religion class. I listened to them intently wanting to live as He said, but there were times when fear stopped me from listening.
I feared getting in trouble and getting my assignments wrong in school. I feared for my parents and all those around me. No one ever understood why I felt this way. I was very blessed in my childhood, especially compared to others, but that didn’t stop the obsessions that developed. God spoke through His word that He wanted for me to come to Him and find comfort in Him, but I didn’t always listen. I was a very stubborn child and God knew this, so thankfully, God sent people into my life that could He speak through straight to my heart.
At St. Paul’s, our guidance counselor was a nun. After I had a few episodes of crying in class, I revealed to her that I firmly believed with all my heart that I would go home and my parents would be dead. I would look out the window listening for ambulances and when one passed by, I would start to break down. She taught me not to be afraid and gave me images of Our Blessed Mother and Our Lord Jesus Christ to comfort me. She also gave me a miraculous medal of Mary and a few Holy Cards that I kept with me at all times. I never wanted to part from them. This was the start of my devotion to Mary. I never saw Mary as God, she is not God. She is a gift of God just as my own biological mother is a gift from God. He gave His Mother as mine who could be with me always even if the worst were to happen in my life and I lose those most dear.
John Chapter 19:25-29
“Now there stood by the cross of Jesus His mother, and His mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus therefore saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing by, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold your son!” Then He said to the disciple, “Behold your mother!” And from that hour that disciple took her to his own home.”
I believe then and I know now that Mary has a special place in my heart much like my own biological mother.
The obsessions, however continued, and morphed themselves from fears of death to self-loathing and self-doubt. It touched every part of my being. I was shy and deathly afraid of social interaction. I never really got too close to anyone. I had a small group of friends but I never let myself truly be myself around them. I always had my guard up and would never let anyone truly in to see me for who I really was. My internal voices were always so loud, shouting at me, saying that I was ignorant or useless, or incapable. Why would someone who felt that way about himself want to let anyone even remotely close as to burden them? My thoughts controlled me, and I learned to cope primarily with lust and video games, but I continued on in that School from beginning to end. It meant so much to me because of the Faith it instilled in me of God and His Church.
Being a young child suffering from terrible and sometimes downright horrific obsessions, the thought of having our Lord and His Mother with me was one of the few things that could help get me through them and even overcome them. In fact, I had something more. I had a beautiful family, not just on Earth but in Heaven watching over me, praying for me. Saint Joseph, Saint Peter, Saint Paul, Saint Michael the Archangel and all the Saints and angelic hosts of Heaven standing with our Lord now to Eternity.
Beyond the Saints and Mary, I learned about other aspects of the Catholic Faith, including and especially the most important aspect of our Faith, Jesus Christ and His coming to us in the blessed Eucharist. In third grade all Catholic children begin the process of receiving their first Holy Communion, where we would receive the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Jesus Christ in the sacrament of Eucharist for the very first time. In fact, I remember my first experience of the Eucharist.
All of the students would attend mass together once per month, something else I loved about the school. As I was beginning to take in this Catholic Faith, I had an opportunity to truly experience it. At one of the first masses I attended, Another student and I were sitting beside the teacher. She asked us to sit next to her in case we had any questions she might be able to answer. My classmate was not Catholic, so she had plenty of questions. We both remained silent for most of the mass, just taking everything in until the time of consecration where Catholics believe that the priest by the power of the Holy Spirit transforms the bread and the wine into the very body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus Christ.
The priest says, “Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body."
At that key phrase, my classmate turned to my teacher and asked, “Did Jesus really tell his disciples to eat his body?” My teacher responded with a smile, “Yes he really did.” As any curious child would respond, she asked, “Didn’t they think that was gross?” The innocence of a child. I of course had a similar thought, but didn’t really delve much further into it. I was taught that it was the Body and Blood of Jesus, so I just accepted it, and received my First Holy Communion with the other students.
As I progressed at the school, I grew to truly enjoy every aspect of the Faith as I found it comforting. I saw Jesus as the head knight leading the way for the other knights to follow. He was my hero, but at that time, I didn’t truly see Him as much more than that. I left Saint Paul’s with a firm foundation of Faith, but due to my issues, my relationship to Christ was very limited. He walking with me at this point encouraging me to explore the world around me like Daniel is our backyard, but I was still so afraid and full of self-loathing. I was pushing away the peace and love He was so freely giving. Instead of listening for His Truth, I was believing the lies of the enemy.
After graduating from St. Paul’s, I was home schooled for my secondary education. My parents and my grandfather severed their business ties and so my parents had no choice but to attend every car show they could to keep themselves from going bankrupt. It was my dream of course, to not have to be around anyone else. I loved St. Paul’s and wanted to continue in the Faith, but my fear of interacting with people overtook that Godly desire.
During those four years, my obsessions and my ability to communicate only worsened dramatically. I was left alone with my thoughts that were being increasingly distorted. I had so many moments of deep distress without my Faith to turn to. During moments of distress, seeking Christ and the Truth were the last things on my mind. I returned to my coping mechanisms video games and lust repeatedly during my four years as a home schooled student. It seemed like all matters of Faith went out the window until my nephew was born.
I became close to my nephew over a short period of time. We played together and I would take care of him when my parents or my brother weren’t around. My fondest memory is when he was about 2. He was sleeping on the couch and started to make a noise. I ran over to him and he opened his eyes for the briefest moment and closed them again and went back to sleep but with the biggest smile on his face. I didn’t know it then, but it was God smiling at me and it was my first inclination from Him that I was being called to become a father. Much more on that later.
My mother and I were adamant about having him baptized, but he needed at least one godparent and my mother thought it should be me. The only problem was, I wasn’t confirmed. A Catholic Godparent needs to be a confirmed practicing Catholic. At that time, I was neither, but a part of me, from my time at Saint Paul’s was calling out to me saying that it was the right thing to do and God wanted me to do this.
Because I was 17, and was unable to attend religious education, I was given permission to go through a much shorter 6 weeks worth of classes to be confirmed. I attended the classes and was amazed by how much I remembered but also by how much I enjoyed them. I was still the same person, just that part of me had been pushed to the background.
As the time neared for me to be Confirmed, I had trouble choosing what my Confirmation name would be. I thought and thought and finally decided on Saint Joseph because Saint Joseph was the patron Saint of Father’s and I hoped that my brother would be the Father my nephew needed which did end up happening. Little did I know that there was another reason Saint Joseph became my patron.
I started this process for my nephew but as I was being Confirmed, I realized I wanted it for me. As I was nearing 18, I knew I had to make a decision about where my life was going. I passed my GED but had no real desires to move beyond my comfort zone. With no where else to turn, I asked my parents to drop me off at St. Paul’s for confession one day. I apprehensively entered the church and got in line. It was my first time having gone to confession in at least five years. I talked to the priest and shared with him my story. He was so kind but also firm and honest, exactly what I needed at the time. When I finished confessing my sins, he said those that gave me such comfort, the words of absolution.
God, the Father of mercies,
through the death and the resurrection of his Son
has reconciled the world to himself
and sent the Holy Spirit among us
for the forgiveness of sins;
through the ministry of the Church
may God give you pardon and peace,
and I absolve you from your sins
in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
I felt a huge weight lifted off me knowing that God had forgiven me through the priest.
John Chapter 20: 21-23
Again Jesus said to them, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent Me, so also I am sending you.” When He had said this, He breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you withhold forgiveness from anyone, it is withheld..
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Before I left, Father encouraged me to attend mass as often as I could, even several times a week. After I got my license, that’s exactly what I did and that’s when everything started to change.
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