My Love Letter to God: We are Truth-Seekers: Part 3

My Love Letter to God: We are Truth-Seekers

Part 3

In Good Soil

As part of God's plan Brandy and I both ended up working for the same company. I was doing somewhat better socially thanks to my friends and experiences on the ACTS Retreat, but I still had struggles talking with others. Brandy initiated conversation. My first instinct was, ¨Girl, pretty, RUN!¨ But I resisted the temptation to walk away and had a nice talk with her. She told me that she went to church which I of course said I did too. She invited me to come to a worship service at her church. She seemed really nice, so I told her I would go. 

This was my first experience at a non-Catholic Christian Church and to be completely honest, I never thought much about non-Catholic Churches. I knew we all worshiped Christ, but that was the extent of my knowledge of the different denominations. When I went to the worship evening, two things caught my attention the most. The passion the worshipers had for Christ which was awesome and the beautiful music of course and how beautiful Brandy who was standing beside me looked when she worshiped. Brandy and I started dating and I knew, God alone brought us together. One day I was just looking at her and knew in my heart we were destined to be married. I proposed to her about a month later during another worship night and as you probably guessed, she said yes. 

During our engagement, Brandy and I started attending each other's churches as a show of respect for how the other person came to Jesus. I thought Brandy's church was a wonderful service but never felt called away from the Catholic Church. Everyone at her church was very respectful and never tried to convert me away. In fact, it's there where Brandy and I were married in a joint Catholic, nondenominational service. Her parents continue to attend that church whose worshipers are still very kind and lovely to us. 

As we continued attending each other's services, however, some issues did start to develop internally. 

Brandy and I began to notice differences in how we came to Christ and our views on many different topics, Scripture, Salvation, Mary, and the purpose of religion just to name just a few. The trouble was, we both were so passionate that we wanted to express what we learned but most of what we discussed came into direct conflict with what the other believed. 

It was then that I started to strongly doubt my Faith. The Father of Lies was speaking again. Did I worship Mary? Did I value religion over God? Did my Catholic Faith matter or was it all just an illusion and a means to control me? 

These were just some of the questions loose in my head. No one, especially not at that church told me any of this but as I researched online and had other experiences in the world, they started coming. At an internship, one Christian guy, after I told him I was Catholic, told me that there was still a chance for me and he would pray for my soul. There were many more experiences like this sadly. As I was questioning and doubting my Catholic Faith, I even began to doubt if God existed at all. With so many different teachings of God and who He is and what He wants for us, how could you determine who's right if anyone is right at all? What is Truth? Is there a singular Truth? 

I was tormented once again, but I never stopped attending either Church. I believe that again God was reaching out to me and he sure did. 

Brandy and I attended Catholic Underground in New York. Catholic Underground is Eucharistic Adoration accompanied by music and evening prayer, very much the Catholic Worship Night. During Adoration, you are given an opportunity to come up before the Lord in the Eucharist and just sit before Him. I knelt before the Lord and just unloaded all of how I'd been feeling to Him. I bowed and submitted myself and my fears and doubts and questions back to the Lord. When adoration ended, I returned to Brandy and she told me that she saw something. She saw Jesus walking among us as we worshiped Him. She saw Him place His hand gently on my back guiding me as I bowed before Him. 

I was so encouraged by this, but God wasn't finished yet and had more to tell me. Brandy and I attended a gathering for young adult Christians that was associated with her church. On one particular evening, one of the worship leaders said that He had a word for me, a message from God. He said that God loves me. He knows I have a lot of questions but I shouldn't worry about those right now. First I had to focus on our relationship that I had with Him since I was a little boy.

I had no words. I was amazed. He didn’t know me and had no way of knowing I had a relationship with Christ since I was a child. It was definitely God speaking. Then it all came flooding back. My time at Saint Paul’s where I learned I was a small part of a much larger Heavenly family, where I learned that God sent me so many great gifts including His own Mother and the sacraments, where I learned what Christ did for me because He loves me, and then when I started attending daily mass where I fell in love with Jesus Christ, and received his Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity every single day. At Saint Paul’s where I attended the confession that set my life in motion, where I learned that I was forgiven by Christ through the ministry of His Church and then was sent out with Christ into the world. Christ led me to where I was through the Catholic Church. 

Again, I was just so moved and realized that by getting lost in worry, I stopped looking at Him and the Cross. To solve this internal crisis, I would first need to look at Him. Now that I could see clearly again, I focused on the second part of that message, "Don’t worry about the questions right now." What I took from it was, it wasn’t wrong to ask questions, but I was so worried about these questions, the wrong questions, that I stopped focusing on God and only on the fear, worry, and doubt. I needed to start focusing on God and He would then lead me to the right questions. 

It wasn’t do I worship Mary? Catholics do not worship Mary. That’s a false question. It’s why does Mary matter at all, and where in the history of the Church do we learn about Mary? Where in scripture and Sacred tradition is the Teaching of the Eucharist found? Where does the Church get its authority to Teach? I learned of the Early Church Fathers, the great men that came after the apostles. What they taught are the same teachings taught by the Catholic Church today. These teachings were passed on first by Christ and then by the apostles. That's what the Church means when it says it is apostolic. I learned about the real teachings on Mary, Salvation, and so many other things that I had misunderstood over the years. The Church compiled the scriptures because the Church preceded them and now through the Power of the Holy Spirit, the Catholic Church interprets the scriptures for us so we will always hold to the Truths taught by Christ who is Truth itself.

Christ made something perfect, His Body and put it in the hands of imperfect people all through the ages, but the amazing part is through all that imperfection, the Truths revealed by the Church have remained the same. Unfortunately some of those Truths have been wrongly misunderstood  like I was doing in my own head a few years ago.

“There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.”

Archbishop Fulton Sheen

For my whole life, up to that point I was living the parable of the sower in the completely wrong way. 

Matthew Chapter 13: 1-23

The Parable of the Sower

 That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

The disciples came to him and asked, “Why do you speak to the people in parables?”

He replied, “Because the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. This is why I speak to them in parables:

“Though seeing, they do not see;

    though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:

“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;

    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. 

For this people’s heart has become calloused;

    they hardly hear with their ears,

    and they have closed their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

    hear with their ears,

    understand with their hearts

and turn, and I would heal them.’

But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.

“Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

My Faith journey began early, but I was like that seed that was thrown and then devoured by the birds. I did not understand the Faith, so I didn’t take much into my heart to truly receive the joy that it was meant to bring. Then, when I began attending daily mass, I became like the seed thrown on rocky land where there was not much soil. My Faith increased quickly and I felt the happiest I had before then but it was not firmly planted in the truths of Jesus Christ, so as I ventured out into the stressful tempting world, I fell apart. Now finally, as Jesus commanded, I needed to become like the seed planted in good soil, to become someone who hears the word, understands it, finds great joy from it, and roots it deeply into my heart.

My Faith continued to grow, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that Brandy was also having a crisis of Faith. I’m going to let her share her story when she’s ready, but I’m going to share a few details that are important in my story because Brandy and I being married are one in the eyes of God. 

Brandy was invited by a friend to go on a Catholic Retreat at Holy Family Retreat Center. It was at this retreat that Brandy had an encounter with God through a very Faithful Catholic layman that helped her realize what she had feared, that God had been calling her to become Catholic. When she came back and told me, I was dumbfounded and to be completely honest very resistant. I told her, I can't tell you how many times, that I didn’t want her doing this for me. I didn’t want her to change at all, I loved her for who she was and that she should always follow God. But that was just it, she was following God. She was persistent and eventually I let it sink in and she went to talk to one of our priests at St. Paul’s who asked her the same question, are you doing this for Michael and again she said no. 

This started her and my journey through RCIA, the Rite of Christian Initiation which is an approximately year long period of discernment and class sessions in preparation to become Catholic. I of course was already a Catholic, but to support her, I attended the sessions. What I didn’t realize was how much they would impact me and help me to root my Faith in God and His Church even more deeply, especially with my wife by my side.  

It was also an enjoyable experience. We had a dear friend attending the classes with us. It was also during this time that we learned Brandy was pregnant, so as Daniel grew in her womb, Christ and His Truth were growing in our hearts. At the end of the RCIA process on the Easter Vigil, Brandy was welcomed into the Church with her wonderfully supportive family and friends in attendance. This was about a week before Brandy gave birth to our son. 

We were all ready to go. Brandy awoke in the middle of the night announcing her water broke. Alright off we go. We all rushed off to the hospital and so it started. Brandy was absolutely amazing. She gave birth to Daniel on his due date miraculously enough. It all went so well, it was like the end scene of a romantic comedy, you know they all lived happily ever after, but then it turned quickly into the beginning of a cruel horror movie. Daniel didn’t cry when he was born. I remember learning that it was a bad thing most of the time if they don’t cry, so I asked the nurse about it and she responded that he probably just had a normal buildup of fluid. She would suction it, and he would be fine. They did that and Daniel went to Brandy. 

The nurses left and he began to feed, but Brandy knew something was wrong. Daniel was choking. The nurses rushed back and took Daniel. It was horrible to see them have to take him from Brandy. They rushed him off to the NICU and we had no idea what was going on. I saw Brandy just wrecked and I knew I had to do something and I did the only thing I could think to do. I called our pastor and he dropped what he was doing, cancelled an appointment and rushed down to the hospital. I wanted him to pray with her to offer her comfort. On the phone, I let myself break down out of sight from Brandy. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew God was with us. Our pastor came and offered us some comfort and he went with me and my parents and baptized Daniel who was born twice in the same day, first of flesh and then of water and the Spirit. We still have his baptismal water in a little flask. 

For the almost 2 months Daniel stayed in the NICU. I remember when it finally hit me that I was a Father. I was there with Brandy and I finally had a chance to hold our little baby. He was so small, and I knew that I would do anything for him. I can’t tell you how many times, we said we wished we could take Daniel’s pain and make it our own. I brought this to God and began to understand Him and His relationship to me in a whole new way. God was our Father, and He came down to Earth to be like us and to die for us taking our place and creating for us the way to His heart to have a relationship with Him now to Eternity. I had never realized the love of the Father until I became one myself. God did indeed love us through this. 

God sustained us. Prayers were coming from all directions. Brandy's parent’s Church and Saint Paul's Church were praying fervently for us. One Sunday I forced myself to leave the hospital to go to mass at St. Paul's to serve as an EMOHC. While I was there, our pastor called me to the altar to introduce me to those in the congregation who had not met me, to give them a face to match the situation. I received such an outpouring of love, the love God coming through those Faithful men and women. 

So many people have approached Brandy and I and have complemented us on being so strong getting through the situation with Daniel, but both of us could confidently say that our strength comes from the Lord and Him alone. Our Faith at this point was rooted in the soil of Christ’s Word and Teachings as given us by the Catholic Church. 

Brandy and I were tempted to believe many things adverse to the true teachings of Christ. We could have believed that we were being punished by God for some wrongdoing. We could have believed that because of our faithfulness as believers and churchgoers, God had to heal Daniel immediately without a need for surgery or a NICU stay, or we could have simply believed that God didn’t exist.

Our Faith cemented in us the Truth. This world is broken and bad things happen to all people, regardless of what they do or believe. Prayer is powerful and its power was on full display during that trial, but honestly the ways of God are not the ways of Man. What God does with our prayers is beyond any of us to understand. All I know is prayer bonds us to Him and to each other and for that I am so grateful. Without understanding this Truth as taught by the Church, and without Christ’s constant presence during it through His presence in His Word, His physical presence in the Eucharist, and the communities of Faith that surrounded us, Brandy and I would not have been able to get through any of this. 

Thankfully, we were able to take Daniel home and after a few more trials, he is now a healthy little boy just like any other just with battle scars that will only add to his character as he gets older. A God given blessing in the midst of chaos. Since then Brandy and I have only grown closer to God and each other, through the trials and the blessings. 

We have been praying the rosary as a couple as often as we can. Through meditating on the mysteries of the rosary, we are learning more about the amazing life of Christ and what awaits us when our time on earth is over. The rosary is helping us prepare for the coming of our next amazing blessing, a little girl due in September, and we couldn’t be more excited to meet her.

Well, that’s my story so far. In testimonies, I feel like you often hear the happy ever after. The speaker overcomes the trial, grows from it and comes to full  understanding of God and Faith. but that’s only the beginning of the next story. 

We will mess up and we will doubt, but that’s ok, as a Catholic that’s why I have confession, because Christ heals me when I’m broken and I'll be honest, I break a lot. My issues with fear, worry, and doubt, and self-doubt may never fully go away, my obsessions will always be a part of me, but through God, I’ve learned to find the blessings and the grace that He freely gives through His sacraments that I have learned to freely receive. And through therapy, another gift from God, I’ve learned how to cope. And I will always be seeking after truth to learn more about Christ through the teachings of the Church. There will always be trials, and there will always be questions, but Christ did promise us one thing, He said He would always be with us…

Matthew 28:19-20 

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

I desperately look forward to when I can receive Him again in the sacrament of the Eucharist. Without God, I truly am nothing and I would never be the Father and husband I am without His example and without His personal touches in my life. 

I recently updated my blog to edit a few of my posts and to rename it. It was titled the Journey Home, but I feel, We are Truthseekers is a more appropriate title. 

One last story. My brother and I would discuss the Faith now and then. He is a very adamant nonbeliever because he sees all religion as illogical and merely a false coping strategy to avoid having to face the real world and the harsh realities of life. It's not all bad though. He does have some respect for Christians.  One time we were talking and he brought up his new girlfriend. I asked if she was a Christian. He said she probably was because she's always helping other people and puts others first like Christians do. That was cool, he got part of it right. Scripture says they will know we are Christians by our love, but there is so much more than that. 

God has done anything but let me avoid reality. He's always called me out into the world, but not alone. Just like I am there sitting on that stone, watching my son, guiding him as he ventures off into a bold new world, God is there watching and guiding me, always. 

As I hope I've shown with my testimony, Christianity isn't a simple ideology, it's about relationship and truth, our relationship with Christ and the Truth of what He did and what He taught. Fr. Mike Schmitz in his Easter homily said that our Faith all comes back to one simple thing. Did Jesus really rise from the dead? This and so many other questions are so important for us to ask.  I promise that digging deeper to seek truth doesn't come from a lack of Faith but comes from a childlike interest and curiosity that only results in a strengthening of Faith in Jesus Christ. 

As I fell in love with Brandy, I wanted to know everything about her and life, everything she thinks and believes. I still do today. It should be the same in a relationship with God. 

Hence the title of my blog. Are Christians just nice people, wishful thinkers, illogical believers, or distorters of reality? No, We are Truth-seekers.

Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you've enjoyed this series and have hopefully gotten something out of it. I have created a new email, wearetruthseekers@gmail.com. If you'd like to talk about anything Faith related at all, have questions about the Catholic Faith or just want to talk about our awesome God, please send me an email. 

My Love Letter to God: We are Truth-Seekers: Part 2

My Love Letter to God: We are Truth Seekers

Part 2

On Rocky Ground

One day, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and drive down to the church. I was too scared to go inside thinking I would be judged for whatever reason because I was this young guy going to the daily mass, so I just listened at the door. I heard them praying the rosary. I thought no, I must have the wrong time and used it as an excuse to leave. A few days later, I said to myself, No, I want to do this and went back. I stood there and again was too scared to enter. I began to walk away. As I was walking away, I heard laughter. It wasn’t mean spirited but it was gentle and kind. For whatever reason, it gave me the courage to walk inside and I did without ever looking back. 

It was during this time that I began going to mass not only on the weekend but daily searching desperately for purpose and meaning. I felt such an urge to go, an urge that came only from God. Every homily began speaking to me and would stay with me throughout the day. They always seemed to apply to my life. I always took something away from the mass. 

There was one very special homily, in particular, that I’ll never forget. Before then, I saw Jesus only as a once great man capable of doing amazing deeds, someone to look up to and imitate but I never truly felt I had given Him myself which is what He truly wanted. In the homily, Father described a relationship with God as a romantic relationship. It shocked me hearing that. I never had a romantic relationship at that point in my life. I couldn’t imagine having a true romantic type of relationship with God. I didn’t understand what that would be like, but I took his words seriously and at that moment I began falling in love with God. God’s love was always freely given to me, but up to that point I never freely received it. He became an ever present friend and my loving bridegroom. 

I went back to mass to learn more about Him and more about what He wanted from me. I wanted to live my life by what I learned about God and my Church. I was learning that the greatest journeys in life were the ones walked with Christ. 

And not just Christ but the other members of His body aside from Mary and the Saints of course who were still there with me. I got to know some of the people at the daily mass. I was afraid to approach them, but they all seemed so kind and would often smile and wave at me. I’m sure it wasn’t often they saw an 18 year old walking in the Daily Mass. Many of them approached me, but I was often too scared to say much back. Over time I became somewhat envious of Our Lord. He had His apostles, though I couldn’t be too envious, one betrayed Him, but since coming close to Christ, I had this desire for fellowship with my fellow Christians. In that regard, going to the daily mass and interacting with those lovely men and women was just a taste of what was to come. 

Besides the fellowship, there were a few things that struck my heart in a deep way. First, everyone who attended the daily mass were always there 7:00 in morning and went with such reverence and dedication to Christ. One lady in particular I noticed, had difficulty walking, but each and every day she knelt down to the floor and genuflected before Jesus in the Eucharist enthroned in the golden tabernacle. After I noticed this for the first time, not a day passed when I didn’t do the same. The last thing I noticed were the couples. There were three in particular I saw everyday going to mass together, holding hands and distributing communion to each. They were beautiful examples of marriages grounded in Faith. And this was my first inclination from God that I was called to be a husband. 

With regard to the Eucharist, I began to see it as the center of my life. I began to look at that moment of consecration much differently then when I was a kid thinking, boy the apostles must have thought that was so gross. When the priest raised the bread and the chalice of wine that would become His Body and Blood, instead of seeing the priest I saw an image of Jesus and envisioned myself at the Last Supper where Jesus did this for the very first time. 

Consuming the Eucharist was my uniting to Christ in the most intimate of ways. A priest once called it an emotional intercourse, similar to the way a husband and wife give themselves to each other in the marital act. It was the ultimate receiving of God and giving of myself. I presented myself at the altar, my entire self all the good and bad and then prepared to receive Jesus entirely, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity and through receiving Jesus I was being transformed. You are what you eat as they say.

John 6:53-57

Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me.

God was calling me out into the world. God met me where I was but he refused to keep me there. God was helping me grow into a man. I knew I had to attend college. I was blessed to be given an opportunity to go where others did not but fear, as always, was the thing holding me back. I prayed and prayed and felt this call to go to college. I told God, “Ok I’ll go, but I’m not going without You. When I walk through those doors, you're walking with me." I literally walked through the doors of the college with my hand out beside me. I must have looked crazy to my classmates, but I knew why I was doing it. 

It was in college I got my first job and met my first girlfriend. It was also my testing period in more ways than one. I’m going to glance over a few details, but I was starting to lose my way due to stress and temptation. Many of my flaws like caring too much about what other people think, self loathing, and indecisiveness were hurting not only me but others as well. Giving yourself truly to Christ isn't the end but only the beginning, I learned. There were countless moments when I grew so afraid and full of doubt. I prayed, mostly during mass and in prayer, I spoke more than listened. 

I wanted to believe that God still loved me and would forgive me for being flawed, that He had a plan for me, but the voices in my head always told me the opposite. They said I wasn’t enough and that I would never be able to help anyone, though that was always my most pressing desire. You see, my Faith was certainly growing stronger and somewhat deeper but I was mostly seeking after that great feeling of love more than a true relationship with Jesus, something I didn’t understand at the time. I went to St. Paul’s and it felt so good, it was the only place that made me feel that way, but as life continued, I didn’t always experience those good feelings, I didn’t look back to Christ sitting there on the stone watching me, and I again started to turn away from God and His Church. 

I broke up with my girlfriend and became very depressed. There was a lot of hurt in my heart and the world began to feel like this huge weight on my shoulders that I just couldn’t remove no matter how hard I tried. I was refusing to give it to God. I wanted to do it by myself. 

In my desire for independence I rented an apartment and began to live on my own which only worsened my depression and anxiety leaving me feeling more alone than ever. However, though we may not always reach out to God, He is ever reaching out to us. The pastor of my church gave me a phone call telling me about an ACTS Retreat and little else, just saying that He thought it would be good for me. Of course, my first thought was, what the heck is an ACTS Retreat, we taking some axes into the woods to chop down some trees? 

Of course, that is not what the retreat was. It was an ACTS Retreat, (A, C, T, S), the Retreat that set so much of my life in motion. It was at this retreat where God watered and again nurtured those seeds from my childhood, so that I could begin to see Him as Father and the Source of all Truth. It was also at this retreat that I made my first real friends. One in particular who introduced me to Bishop Robert Barron and His Catholicism series, the Knights of Columbus, and Catholic Underground which I will describe in more detail later. 

After attending ACTS, a few men from the parish decided to start a small men’s group for us to bond and grow closer to God and each other. I finally had that fellowship I so deeply desired. We prayed together and gathered for fellowship often. One day, I remembered someone joking that there were 12 of us like the apostles and someone responded, "Huh, I wonder who’s Judas." I remember laughing of course, but also having this thought that, wow, God provided. I learned so much from those men deepening my desire to be a father and husband. God worked through them to help me grow and to push past my fears.

Aside from joining the men’s group, I also became an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion, AKA a distributor of communion. It felt daunting in a way but so exciting, to be able to give Jesus in the flesh to my fellow Catholic Christians. I’ll never forget my first couple of weeks. When you’re in the pews, you don’t often see the reactions of those receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, but as an EMOHC, you are front and center to witness the love they have for Christ. When you distribute the Eucharist, you are told to take Him and make Him eye level to the person receiving Him. You then say, “The Body of Christ” and the person receives. The looks people give to the Eucharist is breathtakingly beautiful. I’ve seen it in our priests over the years. It’s a look of pure adoration and reverence. I hope that's how I look when I receive Him.  

I was feeling more alive but I still felt so uncertain about where my life was headed at this point. Despite amazing guides that God put in my life, I had so much anxiety to overcome that it was clouding my ability to see and to listen to Him through them. My Seed of Faith was still planted on rocky ground.

Was God calling me to be a priest or a husband and father? Either vocation would be wonderful and life giving as long as it was where God wanted me to be. I felt God calling me in one direction and then I met Brandy who confirmed what I was feeling forever changing my life and leading me into the final part of my story so far.

My Love Letter to God: We Are Truth-Seekers: Part 1

My Love Letter to God: We are Truth Seekers 

Part 1: Planting a Seed

Hi everyone, so this is part 1 of my new 875 part testimony series where I will be digging deeply into every single detail of my… I’m just kidding. I’m only 27, this won’t take that long.

My name is Michael and I want to start off by saying that I hope and pray you all are doing well during this very difficult time. Please know that you are never alone. I love you and God loves you, and I’m praying for you. 

For those who don’t know me, I am a Catholic Christian, I’ve been married to my amazing wife Brandy for almost 4 years, and we have one son Daniel, our little miracle, who had surgery very soon after he was born, and one daughter on the way who is due to be born on September 17th which excites us more than I can say. 

In this series, I will be sharing my testimony. My desire to share my story was inspired by my good friend and godfather to my son Adam who also shared his testimony a while back. You can find that on his Youtube channel CatholicDad84. 

In my testimony, I will share how God has touched my own life directing my paths to guide me to where I am today. God has walked beside me through my struggles with fear, worry, and doubt, especially self-doubt and has revealed to me the source of all Truth, Christ our Lord. In my life God has used the teachings and members of the Catholic Church to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him and to then draw me out into the world I so feared. And that is what has led me here today to share my story with all of you. 

This series is broken down into 3 parts, not quite 875. I’ll begin by talking about how I was first introduced to the Catholic Faith and our Lord Jesus Christ when the early seeds of our relationship were planted.

In the second part, I talk about how I fell deeply in love with Jesus as my bridegroom and gave myself to Him but not completely and not for the right reasons.

Finally, I talk about how I came to know God not just as my bridegroom but also as my loving Father and the source of all peace and Truth, a Truth that was given to and shared by the Catholic Church. 

Before I delve into how God has touched my life, I want to share a quick story. 

For the past several months, I’ve been posting some reflections on Facebook, inspired by my son Daniel. In one of the reflections, I talk about how Daniel and I would often play in the backyard. I would walk the yard with him and show him the boundaries of the yard, and how to pick himself up if he fell, things like that. On this particular day, on this cement block where Daniel likes to sit with me, he got up and just started walking. I knew he was safe and I could keep an eye on him, so I just let him go and explore. As I was watching, Daniel stopped, gave a quick glance back at me, and smiled and waved. He then looked forward again and continued walking. Again, he stopped, looked back at me, smiled and waved. He did this a few times and it just touched my mind and heart in such a way because it got me thinking about my relationship with Christ. 

That is the spiritual life. We start off as baptized children of God but as we go off into the world, we sometimes go along straight paths and move forward but at other times, we get lost, or fall, and need to look back for guidance and to remember that we do not walk those paths alone. We need to look back at Jesus to remember that He is still with us. In my life, I’ve needed time and time again to look back not only for Christ but for His Church and His Truth lest I lose my way. 

Having that relationship doesn't leave us stagnant. Christ is always there helping us to grow into the women and men He’s called us to be. 

Sometimes I listened and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I would keep looking toward Him and walk in His freedom, but other times, I would look away, doubt, and sink into despair and sin. It’s important to remember that Christ’s Call just like His love is freely given. The trouble is that it's not always freely received. 

I was born and raised in a small town in Connecticut by two amazing parents. My parents and my grandfather co-owned a business selling auto body supplies, which involved travel to swap meets, flea markets, and other venues. They were gone a lot on the road, but they would take me with them keeping me out of school if necessary. 

After a challenging year in my hometown’s public school, I begged my parents to send me somewhere else. I approached them with St. Paul’s, the local Catholic Elementary and Middle School. Later in my life, a few years ago in fact, my parents told me that they had asked me as a little boy how I heard about St. Paul’s. I responded that I had seen a commercial for the School. They told me that there was no commercial for the school at the time. God was drawing our family to St. Paul’s.

My parents were Catholic and had me baptized at a local Catholic Church when I was a baby, but that was mostly the extent of our practicing the Faith. Because we were gone so often on the weekends, we were unable to attend mass, and we didn’t pray the more well known prayers of the Faith. My mom did her best to teach me what she knew, but for the most part my knowledge of Christ and the Catholic Church was limited until I came to St. Paul’s. 

It was there where I got my first education of Christ and where my first stages of theology were being formed. Jesus, at the time, was a great figure that I looked up to. At St. Paul’s, I learned how Jesus lived, and how He desired for His disciples to live. He was a man of great strength who was willing to sacrifice everything, even his life for those He loved.

Looking back now, it makes sense that a young boy who wanted nothing more than to be a chivalrous knight would look up to Jesus. I remember praying to Jesus as a child would pray, with confidence and often for simple things like help with a test or for something frivolous. It was at St. Paul’s where I first heard Jesus through His Words in the bible and through the lessons in religion class. I listened to them intently wanting to live as He said, but there were times when fear stopped me from listening. 

I feared getting in trouble and getting my assignments wrong in school. I feared for my parents and all those around me. No one ever understood why I felt this way. I was very blessed in my childhood, especially compared to others, but that didn’t stop the obsessions that developed. God spoke through His word that He wanted for me to come to Him and find comfort in Him, but I didn’t always listen. I was a very stubborn child and God knew this, so thankfully, God sent people into my life that could He speak through straight to my heart.

At St. Paul’s, our guidance counselor was a nun. After I had a few episodes of crying in class, I revealed to her that I firmly believed with all my heart that I would go home and my parents would be dead. I would look out the window listening for ambulances and when one passed by, I would start to break down. She taught me not to be afraid and gave me images of Our Blessed Mother and Our Lord Jesus Christ to comfort me. She also gave me a miraculous medal of Mary and a few Holy Cards that I kept with me at all times. I never wanted to part from them. This was the start of my devotion to Mary. I never saw Mary as God, she is not God. She is a gift of God just as my own biological mother is a gift from God. He gave His Mother as mine who could be with me always even if the worst were to happen in my life and I lose those most dear. 

John Chapter 19:25-29

“Now there stood by the cross of Jesus His mother, and His mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus therefore saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing by, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold your son!” Then He said to the disciple, “Behold your mother!” And from that hour that disciple took her to his own home.”

I believe then and I know now that Mary has a special place in my heart much like my own biological mother.

The obsessions, however continued, and morphed themselves from fears of death to self-loathing and self-doubt. It touched every part of my being. I was shy and deathly afraid of social interaction. I never really got too close to anyone. I had a small group of friends but I never let myself truly be myself around them. I always had my guard up and would never let anyone truly in to see me for who I really was. My internal voices were always so loud, shouting at me, saying that I was ignorant or useless, or incapable. Why would someone who felt that way about himself want to let anyone even remotely close as to burden them? My thoughts controlled me, and I learned to cope primarily with lust and video games, but I continued on in that School from beginning to end. It meant so much to me because of the Faith it instilled in me of God and His Church. 

Being a young child suffering from terrible and sometimes downright horrific obsessions, the thought of having our Lord and His Mother with me was one of the few things that could help get me through them and even overcome them. In fact, I had something more. I had a beautiful family, not just on Earth but in Heaven watching over me, praying for me. Saint Joseph, Saint Peter, Saint Paul, Saint Michael the Archangel and all the Saints and angelic hosts of Heaven standing with our Lord now to Eternity. 

Beyond the Saints and Mary, I learned about other aspects of the Catholic Faith, including and especially the most important aspect of our Faith, Jesus Christ and His coming to us in the blessed Eucharist. In third grade all Catholic children begin the process of  receiving their first Holy Communion, where we would receive the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Jesus Christ in the sacrament of Eucharist for the very first time. In fact, I remember my first experience of the Eucharist.

All of the students would attend mass together once per month, something else I loved about the school. As I was beginning to take in this Catholic Faith, I had an opportunity to truly experience it. At one of the first masses I attended, Another student and I were sitting beside the teacher. She asked us to sit next to her in case we had any questions she might be able to answer. My classmate was not Catholic, so she had plenty of questions. We both remained silent for most of the mass, just taking everything in until the time of consecration where Catholics believe that the priest by the power of the Holy Spirit transforms the bread and the wine into the very body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus Christ. 

The priest says, “Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body."

At that key phrase, my classmate turned to my teacher and asked, “Did Jesus really tell his disciples to eat his body?” My teacher responded with a smile, “Yes he really did.” As any curious child would respond, she asked, “Didn’t they think that was gross?” The innocence of a child. I of course had a similar thought, but didn’t really delve much further into it. I was taught that it was the Body and Blood of Jesus, so I just accepted it, and received my First Holy Communion with the other students. 

As I progressed at the school, I grew to truly enjoy every aspect of the Faith as I found it comforting. I saw Jesus as the head knight leading the way for the other knights to follow. He was my hero, but at that time, I didn’t truly see Him as much more than that. I left Saint Paul’s with a firm foundation of Faith, but due to my issues, my relationship to Christ was very limited. He walking with me at this point encouraging me to explore the world around me like Daniel is our backyard, but I was still so afraid and full of self-loathing. I was pushing away the peace and love He was so freely giving. Instead of listening for His Truth, I was believing the lies of the enemy. 

After graduating from St. Paul’s, I was home schooled for my secondary education. My parents and my grandfather severed their business ties and so my parents had no choice but to attend every car show they could to keep themselves from going bankrupt. It was my dream of course, to not have to be around anyone else. I loved St. Paul’s and wanted to continue in the Faith, but my fear of interacting with people overtook that Godly desire. 

During those four years, my obsessions and my ability to communicate only worsened dramatically. I was left alone with my thoughts that were being increasingly distorted. I had so many moments of deep distress without my Faith to turn to. During moments of distress, seeking Christ and the Truth were the last things on my mind. I returned to my coping mechanisms video games and lust repeatedly during my four years as a home schooled student. It seemed like all matters of Faith went out the window until my nephew was born. 

I became close to my nephew over a short period of time. We played together and I would take care of him when my parents or my brother weren’t around. My fondest memory is when he was about 2. He was sleeping on the couch and started to make a noise. I ran over to him and he opened his eyes for the briefest moment and closed them again and went back to sleep but with the biggest smile on his face. I didn’t know it then, but it was God smiling at me and it was my first inclination from Him that I was being called to become a father. Much more on that later. 

My mother and I were adamant about having him baptized, but he needed at least one godparent and my mother thought it should be me. The only problem was, I wasn’t confirmed. A Catholic Godparent needs to be a confirmed practicing Catholic. At that time, I was neither, but a part of me, from my time at Saint Paul’s was calling out to me saying that it was the right thing to do and God wanted me to do this.

Because I was 17, and was unable to attend religious education, I was given permission to go through a much shorter 6 weeks worth of classes to be confirmed. I attended the classes and was amazed by how much I remembered but also by how much I enjoyed them. I was still the same person, just that part of me had been pushed to the background. 

As the time neared for me to be Confirmed, I had trouble choosing what my Confirmation name would be. I thought and thought and finally decided on Saint Joseph because Saint Joseph was the patron Saint of Father’s and I hoped that my brother would be the Father my nephew needed which did end up happening. Little did I know that there was another reason Saint Joseph became my patron.

I started this process for my nephew but as I was being Confirmed, I realized I wanted it for me. As I was nearing 18, I knew I had to make a decision about where my life was going. I passed my GED but had no real desires to move beyond my comfort zone. With no where else to turn, I asked my parents to drop me off at St. Paul’s for confession one day. I apprehensively entered the church and got in line. It was my first time having gone to confession in at least five years. I talked to the priest and shared with him my story. He was so kind but also firm and honest, exactly what I needed at the time. When I finished confessing my sins, he said those that gave me such comfort, the words of absolution. 

God, the Father of mercies,

through the death and the resurrection of his Son

has reconciled the world to himself

and sent the Holy Spirit among us

for the forgiveness of sins;

through the ministry of the Church

may God give you pardon and peace,

and I absolve you from your sins

in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

I felt a huge weight lifted off me knowing that God had forgiven me through the priest. 

John Chapter 20: 21-23

Again Jesus said to them, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent Me, so also I am sending you.” When He had said this, He breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you withhold forgiveness from anyone, it is withheld..

”

Before I left, Father encouraged me to attend mass as often as I could, even several times a week. After I got my license, that’s exactly what I did and that’s when everything started to change.