Listening for the Quiet Voice

I felt lost in a sea of words. Everyone around me speaking. All of my thoughts, all my doubts, screaming within me. Where do I turn? I felt lost in darkness like a traveler in the wilderness without a compass or a map, only scraps of paper with directions written in another language. I didn't know which way to turn. Hopeless and feeling lost, I turned to those around me, my beloved family and my friends, but the voices of those I trusted were being drowned out in the doubts. So many voices; so much noise. It took some time, but in the midst of the loud thunderous storm raging in my mind, I learned how to listen for the quiet tender voice speaking in my heart.

To this day I struggle with listening to God. It's not always easy especially when my mind races with thoughts, but I find that the more I seek His voice, the easier it becomes to listen. When the pain is so great that I can't feel Him, I gain a desire to pray unceasingly as the Lord demands. I seek out for Him with a hunger unlike any other. I compare it to spending time with my wife. When I was busy in my previous semester of college it became more difficult for Brandy and I to find time to spend with one another. It will become even more of a challenge when our young one is born. We found that the little time we did have together should be used in the best manner possible. We would set that time apart and call it "quality time." Phones were to be shut off and we were to focus our attention only on each other. Can I set aside quality time for God, even the briefest time in the day? One minute, five minutes, ten minutes. Understanding from my own perspective, I'd rather have five minutes of deep meaningful connection with my wife in a given day than none or thirty minutes of sitting with a stranger in a room looking at our phones.

As I mentioned in my first post, I began a relationship in my time at college that was doomed to fail. It was my first relationship, and I had no deep meaningful relationships up to this point in my life. I only had my parents. I also had a lot of anxiety and a lack of self confidence. My girlfriend at the time also struggled with many of these same issues. It was a recipe for disaster. When we grew closer, I grew afraid and unsure. As I pulled away, she began to threaten to end her life. I began to turn to everyone around me. The voices were bursting through into my mind. Unsure, I decided to start a relationship with her. That became a big mistake for both of us. Consequently, we both suffered though a lot of struggle for the next two years.

I try to spend some time in prayer each day. I want a relationship with my Lord, so I need to make time for Him. I want to learn more about Him by listening to Him in His Word and through our time spent together in prayer. I listen to Him through my meditation on the mysteries of the rosary, I listen to Him through reading the Gospels, and I listen to Him through hearing the priest's homily spoken at each mass. Through all the ways God speaks, I begin to tune myself more closely with Him. A feeling or a thought suddenly coming to my mind during prayer lets me know that God is speaking. Ultimately prayer and listening to Him is transformative and gives a means through which we receive the map and compass that guide us through the darkness of the wilderness into the light of the Kingdom of God.

Much of the issue of relationship became that we lost ourselves in it. I began attending mass less and my prayer life was nonexistent. There were also voices that were leading me astray from what I thought of myself and away from the core values that I held dear to my heart. Because of past experiences my ex-girlfriend and her family couldn't find in their hearts to trust me. They doubted my sincerity and made me feel that I was a bad person. I also reached the point where I felt that I was wrong for wanting to wait until marriage to be sexually intimate. The voices clouded my judgement. Many of them were coming from my own mind twisting everything into a chorus of negative thoughts and perceptions. I was no longer Michael. I was a shell of my true self. The quiet voice was drowned out and all that I knew felt like a lie. Then, as I felt that there was no way back to the Kingdom, I learned to delve into the voices to discern when God was speaking and when the flesh was speaking.

God's Will is the map and compass in my life. I find that if I listen to that quiet voice speaking, I can better find my way through life. I become more like Christ and less like the flesh. I find that I am more free in Him than I will ever be without Him. As that relationship deepens with Christ I find myself more willing to listen with a loving ear to those around me, especially my family. God taught me how to love and God teaches me how to listen. Without His loving Word for me, I would not be where I am today.

The relationship continued until 2014. My mind was telling me to stay but my heart was telling me to leave. I grew to care for my ex-girlfriend's nephew like a son, but I knew deep in my heart that staying would only cause more pain and anguish for her, for me, and for her nephew. I deeply examined all of the advice of those around me and found where God was speaking. I learned to listen to the right voices, those that spoke lovingly like the Lord. He told me that I was who I believed myself to be, that I was deeply loved by Him, and that nothing would separate us if only I chose to seek and follow Him. With help from a therapist, my ex-girlfriend and I parted ways. In spite of or maybe because of the sorrow and the pain, I sought God more than ever before in my life. I hungered for Him in the Eucharist and in His Word. He was speaking. His gentle quiet voice was calling to me and I was ready to listen. He told me to follow through on this beautiful girl's invitation to go to a worship night and the rest is history.

Heavenly Father, I love You and I seek You above all else. You are my Lord and My God. Help me to seek You in Your Word, in the silence, and in Your Body, the Eucharist and Your beloved children. Walk with me on this journey through Your beloved Son our Lord Jesus Christ. Guide me along the righteous path and never cease to speak even when I struggle to listen. I love You my Lord and Savior. I am Yours now and forever. Amen!

This is the Day the Lord has Made

Today, I want to reflect on my recent thoughts on living a life of Christ in the present and how by focusing on our God we can overcome our obstacles and become more like Him in all parts of our life. In light of the recent loss in our family, I find looking at this topic even more fitting. 

Have you ever found yourself so focused on your tomorrow that you wonder what happened to your yesterday? This happens to me far too often. There are many Bible verses in which we are told about how we should not worry about tomorrow and should instead focus on today. One of my favorite verses on the subject is found in Matthew. Our Lord says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Its clear that the Lord wants us to focus on the present moment. I've heard a pastor say before that the Lord is not found in the past or the future, He can only be found right here and now in the present. Searching your past or your future may help in providing answers, change, and ultimately peace, but its most important to live the answers, live the change, and live the peace for which you seek so earnestly.  

Beside worrying about tomorrow and focusing on tomorrow, I also tend to put off until tomorrow. In putting off until tomorrow, I make a critical mistake. I assume tomorrow. The Lord warns against waiting to move forward in Matthew Chapter 25 verse 13, "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour." Our Lord is speaking in the context of the Parable of the Ten Virgins. We must be prepared on this day in this moment. We do not know when the end will come. The Lord says that we have no need to worry about the end, but we must always be ready. For me, this means that I should live each day as if its my last. My last chance to tell my family that I love them, my last chance to turn a weakness into a strength, my last chance to share the joy of the gospel with the world, and my last chance to live this earthly life to the fullest living a life worthy of Christ just as Christ would wish me to live.

In this way, I choose to flip the concept of YOLO on its head. YOLO stands for "You only live once." You have one life and one chance to get everything you want out of life. For some it means crossing items off a bucket list and for others it may go deeper and direct every thought and action. It means that if I only have one life to live, I should get the most I can for myself and live a life for my own pleasure and joy as often as I can. Though mostly used by teenagers, I see this way of thinking often in society, including in myself. I only live once. I should just buy that expensive video game or take this time for myself while I still have it. Lately, God has been working in me to change this way of thinking. Instead of living for myself, He is helping me to live for others and to use this life in the way that He wants even if its not always the way I want. We only have one chance on this earth in this life to prepare ourselves and others for the next life, our Heavenly life spent for eternity with our beloved Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

It will come as no surprise to know that as an introvert I've spent a lot of time in reflection and contemplation. I've thought about many of life's mysteries, including and especially the purpose and meaning of our lives. What does it all mean? Are the persistent challenges worth it? What does God want from me? I've had times in my life when I've struggled to keep going because I didn't see the purpose in what I was going through. For me, when I can find God in every situation and cling closely to Him, His Holy Love, and Divine Will, I begin to look at the situation from a different perspective in a renewed place. Even in the midst of the most intense storm, I can find my peace, but only when I seek and find my God. 

Procrastination, one of my greatest weaknesses, has plagued me most of my life. Since grade school, I've allowed myself to be overwhelmed by my school work and by my unceasingly ability to be a perfectionist and to criticize my own work to the point when I felt incapable of doing anything. To this day, those criticisms come and go with little rest in between. If you ever feel that you are your own worst critic and struggle in this way, please know you are not alone. Because I procrastinate, I often find myself putting off not just school work in college but also those key moments when I can work on myself or even do things I enjoy like reading and praying. I find myself focusing on my fear that I will never rise above my challenges. This leads me to focus on useless activities like playing video games for hours on end. In engaging in this behavior for many years, I've come to a conclusion. 

If I focus so strongly on the fear of failure, I don't give myself the opportunity to even try. A small success even in the midst of a hundred failures means that I am growing in some way and that there is good from trying. Without trying, I stand no chance of even a single success and my chance for future failures only grows. The Lord has made this day and has given me many gifts and many opportunities to use those gifts. Now is my chance to use them. Now is my chance to share God's love with the world.

Heavenly Father, I love you above all things. You are my Lord and my God. I wish to always focus on You even in the midst of the worst storms. My Father, please remind me at all moments of my life that You love me and that I am capable of doing what You will of me if only I accept it and remember that my gifts are from You and You alone. I can do all things through You. How can I fear the future when I know that you walk beside me? Help me to love you by being a great example of love to others. Father, I know this is the day that You have made. Each day is crafted by Your loving hands. I shall rejoice and be glad in it! Amen! 

My Love Letter to God: Learning to Walk with Christ

When I was about 16 years old, I was present at daily mass for a homily that would change my life. The priest that day spoke of having a love for God, not just a regular type of love that you would have for a friend or family member but a deep, passionate, self-sacrificing. and romantic kind of love. At 16, I had yet to experience anything remotely like this at that point in my life. Something, however, clicked in my mind that day that I couldn't shake. I had a feeling of love in my heart and I couldn't get the Lord off my mind. I was falling madly deeply in love with Him. I looked up at the cross and the image of a man hanging from it. The symbol for the one man who didn't deserve to die, the one free from sin who chose to give up His own life so that our sins may be forgiven. A sacrificial kind of love; a love so deep and so passionate that nothing could surpass it. That's when I realized that I wanted to give Him that same kind of love in return and that in my heart, I was beginning to feel for Him the same way He felt for me and for all those He created. 

In the past, I've heard others say that the best way to share your Faith with others is through telling stories. Stories from your own life or stories from the lives of those you know can help someone open up to the idea of following Christ and maybe take the first steps toward making that lifelong journey with Him.

I've told my story before, my own testimony of how God has walked with me in my life. I've called it my love letter to God. I'm going to share some of my story today. 

From a young age, I've been attracted to the heroic from superheroes in fancy suits fighting criminals and saving the day to knights in shining armor giving their lives to protect the kingdom and its inhabitants. It comes as no surprise then that I would have a desire to learn more about a God who gave His life so that others may live. He was my hero and my inspiration from the first moment I began to learn about Him. 

My mother taught me about God. Then it was when I went to St. Paul's Catholic School that I began to learn more about Him and how to connect with Him. I learned about Jesus's life and about how He desired for His followers to live. The teachings of the Catholic Church always interested me. They placed an importance on tradition and living a holy life like one of the heroes from my favorite stories. As I went through my education at St. Paul's my desire to learn more about God only grew. Then when I was home schooled during my late teen years, through joy and through pain I learned to cling to God. 

I suffered from lonliness and an addiction to pornography, a futile way of dealing with the pain. I was afraid of interaction with anyone outside of my family but at the same time I deeply desired it. My shyness and my social anxiety made it difficult for me to make friends. Then my OCD made it hard for me to focus on anything else. I obsessed over my negative thoughts and feelings. Though it was bad in my childhood, it only became worse in my teen years. I didn't want to pray or go to church when I was feeling that way, but leaving behind my God was the worst thing I could have done. To come to a deeper relationship with God is the reason that we live and breath. Anxiety and pain are a result of living in a world suffering as a result of the Fall but with God we can learn to live in His joy and His peace. Jesus did not promise that we would be free from pain on this Earth, but He did promise that He would always be with us and that was enough for me. 

After allowing myself to fall in love with God, things started to change. I felt a sense of purpose in my life. I felt drawn to the mass, especially the Eucharist. I saw Christ in the Eucharist more than I ever had before. I felt blessed to receive Him in such an amazing way through His Flesh and Blood transformed on the alter. I wanted to receive Him in every possible way. I came to Him through the Eucharist, I came to Him through helping and loving others as Christ tells us to do, and I came to Him through His Word in the Scriptures. As my time as a homeschooled student ended, I felt that I was being called to college to pursue a degree. 

It was in college where I met the girl with whom I would have my first relationship. Through the next two years I experienced the pains of the relationship. I also began to learn that I was called to be a father and a husband but that relationship had to come to end. Through God's intercession, I ended the relationship and turned to Him to move on with my life and eventually met the amazing woman that would become my wife Brandy. 

Living this amazing life has filled me with great joy and I am incredibly excited by the coming of my son Daniel next year! Now living with God in my joy, I choose not to abandon Him but to offer Him thanks in the good times just as I asked for His intercession during the bad times. It is not always easy and still I find myself feeling a spiritual dryness at times but I recognize that God is greater than any feeling. I may still feel anxiety, but I can see the transformation in myself. I am kinder and more loving, more at peace when I pray and deepen my relationship with my Lord. 

I encourage you to look back on your life and look for the ways that God has touched you and remind yourself of how God has walked with you. He loves you and even when you are not with Him or are not pursuing Him, He is always pursuing you, calling out to you, loving you, and asking you to return to Him. I encourage everyone to write your own personal love letter to God and remember that He loves you above all things. to live your purpose in life is to accept this love and to love Him in return with the same deep, passionate, self-sacrificing love with which Christ loved us when He died on the cross for us. 

Lord Jesus, I love you always. You are my amazing and glorious God. I ask you to be with me this day and to help me to remember that you walked with me in my life during the bad times and the good times and that you will continue to walk with me both now and unto the end of my life on this Earth. Lord I desire nothing more than to have a stronger and deeper relationship with you. Help me to deepen that relationship and to always seek You just as You always seek me. I love you always.