As part of God's plan Brandy and I both ended up working for the same company. I was doing somewhat better socially thanks to my friends and experiences on the ACTS Retreat, but I still had struggles talking with others. Brandy initiated conversation. My first instinct was, ¨Girl, pretty, RUN!¨ But I resisted the temptation to walk away and had a nice talk with her. She told me that she went to church which I of course said I did too. She invited me to come to a worship service at her church. She seemed really nice, so I told her I would go.
This was my first experience at a non-Catholic Christian Church and to be completely honest, I never thought much about non-Catholic Churches. I knew we all worshiped Christ, but that was the extent of my knowledge of the different denominations. When I went to the worship evening, two things caught my attention the most. The passion the worshipers had for Christ which was awesome and the beautiful music of course and how beautiful Brandy who was standing beside me looked when she worshiped. Brandy and I started dating and I knew, God alone brought us together. One day I was just looking at her and knew in my heart we were destined to be married. I proposed to her about a month later during another worship night and as you probably guessed, she said yes.
During our engagement, Brandy and I started attending each other's churches as a show of respect for how the other person came to Jesus. I thought Brandy's church was a wonderful service but never felt called away from the Catholic Church. Everyone at her church was very respectful and never tried to convert me away. In fact, it's there where Brandy and I were married in a joint Catholic, nondenominational service. Her parents continue to attend that church whose worshipers are still very kind and lovely to us.
As we continued attending each other's services, however, some issues did start to develop internally.
Brandy and I began to notice differences in how we came to Christ and our views on many different topics, Scripture, Salvation, Mary, and the purpose of religion just to name just a few. The trouble was, we both were so passionate that we wanted to express what we learned but most of what we discussed came into direct conflict with what the other believed.
It was then that I started to strongly doubt my Faith. The Father of Lies was speaking again. Did I worship Mary? Did I value religion over God? Did my Catholic Faith matter or was it all just an illusion and a means to control me?
These were just some of the questions loose in my head. No one, especially not at that church told me any of this but as I researched online and had other experiences in the world, they started coming. At an internship, one Christian guy, after I told him I was Catholic, told me that there was still a chance for me and he would pray for my soul. There were many more experiences like this sadly. As I was questioning and doubting my Catholic Faith, I even began to doubt if God existed at all. With so many different teachings of God and who He is and what He wants for us, how could you determine who's right if anyone is right at all? What is Truth? Is there a singular Truth?
I was tormented once again, but I never stopped attending either Church. I believe that again God was reaching out to me and he sure did.
Brandy and I attended Catholic Underground in New York. Catholic Underground is Eucharistic Adoration accompanied by music and evening prayer, very much the Catholic Worship Night. During Adoration, you are given an opportunity to come up before the Lord in the Eucharist and just sit before Him. I knelt before the Lord and just unloaded all of how I'd been feeling to Him. I bowed and submitted myself and my fears and doubts and questions back to the Lord. When adoration ended, I returned to Brandy and she told me that she saw something. She saw Jesus walking among us as we worshiped Him. She saw Him place His hand gently on my back guiding me as I bowed before Him.
I was so encouraged by this, but God wasn't finished yet and had more to tell me. Brandy and I attended a gathering for young adult Christians that was associated with her church. On one particular evening, one of the worship leaders said that He had a word for me, a message from God. He said that God loves me. He knows I have a lot of questions but I shouldn't worry about those right now. First I had to focus on our relationship that I had with Him since I was a little boy.
I had no words. I was amazed. He didn’t know me and had no way of knowing I had a relationship with Christ since I was a child. It was definitely God speaking. Then it all came flooding back. My time at Saint Paul’s where I learned I was a small part of a much larger Heavenly family, where I learned that God sent me so many great gifts including His own Mother and the sacraments, where I learned what Christ did for me because He loves me, and then when I started attending daily mass where I fell in love with Jesus Christ, and received his Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity every single day. At Saint Paul’s where I attended the confession that set my life in motion, where I learned that I was forgiven by Christ through the ministry of His Church and then was sent out with Christ into the world. Christ led me to where I was through the Catholic Church.
Again, I was just so moved and realized that by getting lost in worry, I stopped looking at Him and the Cross. To solve this internal crisis, I would first need to look at Him. Now that I could see clearly again, I focused on the second part of that message, "Don’t worry about the questions right now." What I took from it was, it wasn’t wrong to ask questions, but I was so worried about these questions, the wrong questions, that I stopped focusing on God and only on the fear, worry, and doubt. I needed to start focusing on God and He would then lead me to the right questions.
It wasn’t do I worship Mary? Catholics do not worship Mary. That’s a false question. It’s why does Mary matter at all, and where in the history of the Church do we learn about Mary? Where in scripture and Sacred tradition is the Teaching of the Eucharist found? Where does the Church get its authority to Teach? I learned of the Early Church Fathers, the great men that came after the apostles. What they taught are the same teachings taught by the Catholic Church today. These teachings were passed on first by Christ and then by the apostles. That's what the Church means when it says it is apostolic. I learned about the real teachings on Mary, Salvation, and so many other things that I had misunderstood over the years. The Church compiled the scriptures because the Church preceded them and now through the Power of the Holy Spirit, the Catholic Church interprets the scriptures for us so we will always hold to the Truths taught by Christ who is Truth itself.
Christ made something perfect, His Body and put it in the hands of imperfect people all through the ages, but the amazing part is through all that imperfection, the Truths revealed by the Church have remained the same. Unfortunately some of those Truths have been wrongly misunderstood like I was doing in my own head a few years ago.
“There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.”
Archbishop Fulton Sheen
For my whole life, up to that point I was living the parable of the sower in the completely wrong way.
Matthew Chapter 13: 1-23
The Parable of the Sower
That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.”
The disciples came to him and asked, “Why do you speak to the people in parables?”
He replied, “Because the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. This is why I speak to them in parables:
“Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:
“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
For this people’s heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.’
But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.
“Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”
My Faith journey began early, but I was like that seed that was thrown and then devoured by the birds. I did not understand the Faith, so I didn’t take much into my heart to truly receive the joy that it was meant to bring. Then, when I began attending daily mass, I became like the seed thrown on rocky land where there was not much soil. My Faith increased quickly and I felt the happiest I had before then but it was not firmly planted in the truths of Jesus Christ, so as I ventured out into the stressful tempting world, I fell apart. Now finally, as Jesus commanded, I needed to become like the seed planted in good soil, to become someone who hears the word, understands it, finds great joy from it, and roots it deeply into my heart.
My Faith continued to grow, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that Brandy was also having a crisis of Faith. I’m going to let her share her story when she’s ready, but I’m going to share a few details that are important in my story because Brandy and I being married are one in the eyes of God.
Brandy was invited by a friend to go on a Catholic Retreat at Holy Family Retreat Center. It was at this retreat that Brandy had an encounter with God through a very Faithful Catholic layman that helped her realize what she had feared, that God had been calling her to become Catholic. When she came back and told me, I was dumbfounded and to be completely honest very resistant. I told her, I can't tell you how many times, that I didn’t want her doing this for me. I didn’t want her to change at all, I loved her for who she was and that she should always follow God. But that was just it, she was following God. She was persistent and eventually I let it sink in and she went to talk to one of our priests at St. Paul’s who asked her the same question, are you doing this for Michael and again she said no.
This started her and my journey through RCIA, the Rite of Christian Initiation which is an approximately year long period of discernment and class sessions in preparation to become Catholic. I of course was already a Catholic, but to support her, I attended the sessions. What I didn’t realize was how much they would impact me and help me to root my Faith in God and His Church even more deeply, especially with my wife by my side.
It was also an enjoyable experience. We had a dear friend attending the classes with us. It was also during this time that we learned Brandy was pregnant, so as Daniel grew in her womb, Christ and His Truth were growing in our hearts. At the end of the RCIA process on the Easter Vigil, Brandy was welcomed into the Church with her wonderfully supportive family and friends in attendance. This was about a week before Brandy gave birth to our son.
We were all ready to go. Brandy awoke in the middle of the night announcing her water broke. Alright off we go. We all rushed off to the hospital and so it started. Brandy was absolutely amazing. She gave birth to Daniel on his due date miraculously enough. It all went so well, it was like the end scene of a romantic comedy, you know they all lived happily ever after, but then it turned quickly into the beginning of a cruel horror movie. Daniel didn’t cry when he was born. I remember learning that it was a bad thing most of the time if they don’t cry, so I asked the nurse about it and she responded that he probably just had a normal buildup of fluid. She would suction it, and he would be fine. They did that and Daniel went to Brandy.
The nurses left and he began to feed, but Brandy knew something was wrong. Daniel was choking. The nurses rushed back and took Daniel. It was horrible to see them have to take him from Brandy. They rushed him off to the NICU and we had no idea what was going on. I saw Brandy just wrecked and I knew I had to do something and I did the only thing I could think to do. I called our pastor and he dropped what he was doing, cancelled an appointment and rushed down to the hospital. I wanted him to pray with her to offer her comfort. On the phone, I let myself break down out of sight from Brandy. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew God was with us. Our pastor came and offered us some comfort and he went with me and my parents and baptized Daniel who was born twice in the same day, first of flesh and then of water and the Spirit. We still have his baptismal water in a little flask.
For the almost 2 months Daniel stayed in the NICU. I remember when it finally hit me that I was a Father. I was there with Brandy and I finally had a chance to hold our little baby. He was so small, and I knew that I would do anything for him. I can’t tell you how many times, we said we wished we could take Daniel’s pain and make it our own. I brought this to God and began to understand Him and His relationship to me in a whole new way. God was our Father, and He came down to Earth to be like us and to die for us taking our place and creating for us the way to His heart to have a relationship with Him now to Eternity. I had never realized the love of the Father until I became one myself. God did indeed love us through this.
God sustained us. Prayers were coming from all directions. Brandy's parent’s Church and Saint Paul's Church were praying fervently for us. One Sunday I forced myself to leave the hospital to go to mass at St. Paul's to serve as an EMOHC. While I was there, our pastor called me to the altar to introduce me to those in the congregation who had not met me, to give them a face to match the situation. I received such an outpouring of love, the love God coming through those Faithful men and women.
So many people have approached Brandy and I and have complemented us on being so strong getting through the situation with Daniel, but both of us could confidently say that our strength comes from the Lord and Him alone. Our Faith at this point was rooted in the soil of Christ’s Word and Teachings as given us by the Catholic Church.
Brandy and I were tempted to believe many things adverse to the true teachings of Christ. We could have believed that we were being punished by God for some wrongdoing. We could have believed that because of our faithfulness as believers and churchgoers, God had to heal Daniel immediately without a need for surgery or a NICU stay, or we could have simply believed that God didn’t exist.
Our Faith cemented in us the Truth. This world is broken and bad things happen to all people, regardless of what they do or believe. Prayer is powerful and its power was on full display during that trial, but honestly the ways of God are not the ways of Man. What God does with our prayers is beyond any of us to understand. All I know is prayer bonds us to Him and to each other and for that I am so grateful. Without understanding this Truth as taught by the Church, and without Christ’s constant presence during it through His presence in His Word, His physical presence in the Eucharist, and the communities of Faith that surrounded us, Brandy and I would not have been able to get through any of this.
Thankfully, we were able to take Daniel home and after a few more trials, he is now a healthy little boy just like any other just with battle scars that will only add to his character as he gets older. A God given blessing in the midst of chaos. Since then Brandy and I have only grown closer to God and each other, through the trials and the blessings.
We have been praying the rosary as a couple as often as we can. Through meditating on the mysteries of the rosary, we are learning more about the amazing life of Christ and what awaits us when our time on earth is over. The rosary is helping us prepare for the coming of our next amazing blessing, a little girl due in September, and we couldn’t be more excited to meet her.
Well, that’s my story so far. In testimonies, I feel like you often hear the happy ever after. The speaker overcomes the trial, grows from it and comes to full understanding of God and Faith. but that’s only the beginning of the next story.
We will mess up and we will doubt, but that’s ok, as a Catholic that’s why I have confession, because Christ heals me when I’m broken and I'll be honest, I break a lot. My issues with fear, worry, and doubt, and self-doubt may never fully go away, my obsessions will always be a part of me, but through God, I’ve learned to find the blessings and the grace that He freely gives through His sacraments that I have learned to freely receive. And through therapy, another gift from God, I’ve learned how to cope. And I will always be seeking after truth to learn more about Christ through the teachings of the Church. There will always be trials, and there will always be questions, but Christ did promise us one thing, He said He would always be with us…
Matthew 28:19-20
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
I desperately look forward to when I can receive Him again in the sacrament of the Eucharist. Without God, I truly am nothing and I would never be the Father and husband I am without His example and without His personal touches in my life.
I recently updated my blog to edit a few of my posts and to rename it. It was titled the Journey Home, but I feel, We are Truthseekers is a more appropriate title.
One last story. My brother and I would discuss the Faith now and then. He is a very adamant nonbeliever because he sees all religion as illogical and merely a false coping strategy to avoid having to face the real world and the harsh realities of life. It's not all bad though. He does have some respect for Christians. One time we were talking and he brought up his new girlfriend. I asked if she was a Christian. He said she probably was because she's always helping other people and puts others first like Christians do. That was cool, he got part of it right. Scripture says they will know we are Christians by our love, but there is so much more than that.
God has done anything but let me avoid reality. He's always called me out into the world, but not alone. Just like I am there sitting on that stone, watching my son, guiding him as he ventures off into a bold new world, God is there watching and guiding me, always.
As I hope I've shown with my testimony, Christianity isn't a simple ideology, it's about relationship and truth, our relationship with Christ and the Truth of what He did and what He taught. Fr. Mike Schmitz in his Easter homily said that our Faith all comes back to one simple thing. Did Jesus really rise from the dead? This and so many other questions are so important for us to ask. I promise that digging deeper to seek truth doesn't come from a lack of Faith but comes from a childlike interest and curiosity that only results in a strengthening of Faith in Jesus Christ.
As I fell in love with Brandy, I wanted to know everything about her and life, everything she thinks and believes. I still do today. It should be the same in a relationship with God.
Hence the title of my blog. Are Christians just nice people, wishful thinkers, illogical believers, or distorters of reality? No, We are Truth-seekers.
Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you've enjoyed this series and have hopefully gotten something out of it. I have created a new email, wearetruthseekers@gmail.com. If you'd like to talk about anything Faith related at all, have questions about the Catholic Faith or just want to talk about our awesome God, please send me an email.
